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Actually…I’ve Never Met A Dragon I Didn’t Like
By Spenser Hemmingway

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Category: Alternate Universe, Post-HBP
Characters:Harry/Ginny, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Luna Lovegood, Other, Ron Weasley, Ron Weasley
Genres: Action/Adventure, Comedy, Humor
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: G
Reviews: 9
Summary: No, it is not a story about Bruce Lee. It is the first ever Harry Potter nature documentary! The friends set out to do a favor for Charlie, and in turn are done several by another new acquaintance. If in the process, someone learns something...well so much the better.
Hitcount: Story Total: 4609



Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.



Author's Notes:
This story is meant to be as much a lighthearted tribute, as it is humorous entertainment.




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Actually…I’ve Never Met A Dragon I Didn’t Like

By Spenser Hemmingway


“Because when they strike it can be that quick that if they're within range, you're dead, you're dead in your tracks. And his head weighs more than my body so it's WHACK!”–Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter (not talking about dragons)



“I don’t care what Hagrid said, I’m not doing it Hermione! There are…things in that forest that I’d just rather not meet up with. Tyons and ligers and spiders…oh my!”

“Of course, you are going Ron. Now where did I put those fir-lined mukluks my parents sent me? I just had them as I came downstairs.”

“Here they are Hermione,” Ginny said, handing them to her before plopping down on the sofa. “You dropped them on the second flight. Don’t be such a child Ron. It’s December, and I’m sure that most of the beasts are dormant right now.”

“How sure?”

“Well as sure as I can be big brother. Magical beasts really aren’t my specialty. Perhaps we could ask Brandon Llewellyn from Ravenclaw. He seems to love them as much as Hagrid does.”

“He won’t be coming this morning,” Spenser told her, entering the Common Room with Luna in tow. “He was…well the gyrespud reviewing gnomes attacked again last night while he was with me, and…”

“Oh no! Really Spenser! This is the third time in the past month that they haven’t liked one of your stories. Now other people are getting hurt as well. Couldn’t you just publish them anonymously…or perhaps use a penname,” Hermione suggested.

“A penname? How could I possibly top Spenser Hemmingway? You want me to make something up?”

“Seriously Hermione…maybe it isn’t the best time to be off running around looking for who-knows-what,” Harry told her. “Instead we should be researching and looking for our you-know-whats.

“Oh, you mean the Horcruxes don’t you?” Luna blurted out before Spenser could get his hand over her mouth. Everyone gave the room a quick, nervous scan, and was satisfied to see they were the only ones there at that early hour.

“Luna…I know that you and Spenser accidentally learned our secret, and we trust you completely, but could you be a little more cautious…and quiet. I don’t believe that the tribes in the Brazilian Rainforest need to know about them. I think you just spoke loudly enough where they just heard what you said from all the way from over here in Scotland,” Harry quickly explained.

“Of course, they would be interested Harry. They have one of the Horcruxes there with them now. It came into their hands several years ago. The Indians keep it atop a tall pole in the jungle. Hundreds of natives come from all around on yearly pilgrimages to worship it, and leave gifts of whiskey and Muggle cigarettes. The local guide told Daddy and me all about it at our campfire on the last Quibbler expedition. It’s called the Mysterious Lost Canteen of Paulo Anaconda. You may have a little trouble retrieving it Harry.”

After so many years together, it was only the newcomer Spenser who blinked at her explanation. Luna and he were best friends however, and even he accepted her words after a moment…or at least acknowledged them. Still, Harry had to admit that she made more sense than some of the wild hippogriff hunts they had been taking recently. Merlin’s banjo in that Epsom boardinghouse attic, the Hufflepuff ant farm in the Sweet Haven pub (their corned beef sandwiches were excellent however), and that evening they broke into the British Museum to steal Horatio Nelson’s bedroom slippers; they had all been disappointing and more than a bit embarrassing. Why hadn’t they realized that there was no way Winston Churchill’s teddy bear could be a Horcrux?

“Harry, Charlie’s letter was almost pleading.” Ginny’s voice was more or less that way as well when she spoke to him. “This is a very unique opportunity…perhaps a once-in-a-lifetime event. He would like us to experience it for him. Spenser can write about our trip, and Hermione can bring her Muggle camera.”

“Not Colin?” Spenser asked.

“No…no, for some reason Charlie specifically asked that someone familiar with non-magical photography come. It’s only for the day Harry. Please…it would mean so much to us?” she asked giving him her best puppy dog eyes. She saw he was definitely weakening, and finally smiled at her. Ginny then stood up on tiptoes and gave Harry a nice kiss. He would wrestle a mundark for her now.

“Oh marvelous! I’ve wanted to go in search of the elusive man-eating flying squirrel for ages,” Luna gleefully squealed, jumping up-and-down in sincere delight.

“Ron…Ron? Oh, crum!”


*****



The six friends gathered their warm clothes and any equipment that they thought they might require. Having only downed a quick breakfast, they were extremely pleased when Dobby and Professor McGonagall met them in the entryway with box lunches and thermoses (a necessity even in the Wizarding world). Naturally, Ron’s share was about three times the size of everyone else’s. The group had to smile at Hermione’s cringing. They all knew that if you fell in love with a Weasley, you might have to develop into a production cook someday.

“Now everyone…I expect all of you to be on your best behavior today. You are to do exactly as Hagrid and his guest instruct at all times,” the headmistress began to explain. It was crystal clear that she was not at all happy about this particular project.

“Guest?” Harry asked for the others.

“Yes…a gentleman from the continent of Australia. A great many people in both our respective governments have worked long and hard to make this a reality. A fair amount of magical manipulation had to be accomplished as well, just for him to be here. I must caution all of you that there is the possibility of facing a number of dangerous situations and creatures in the forest today.”

“Dangerous…how dangerous? Couldn’t we just go out and find…oh I don’t know…a few dozen Death Eaters instead?” Ron whimpered.

“Shut up Ron,” Ginny and Hermione said together.

“Only my…complete faith in Hagrid is compelling me to allow this.” The way she said it did nothing to alleviate Ron’s fears. “Mr. Hemmingway, as an exchange student, I am especially apprehensive about your accompanying this group. It would do very little good for British/American relations if you were eaten.”

“Eaten?”

“Shut up Ron,” the girls repeated.

“Now if…excuse me. Miss Lovegood, Mr. Hemmingway…why exactly are both of you wearing pith helmets, Muggle flak vests, and carrying those enormous butterfly nets?”

“I’m still trying to figure that one out myself Professor,” Spenser said. “Luna, if you ever make up with that boyfriend of yours, are you going to subject him to what you do to me?”

“What a silly, silly thing to ask me Spenser,” she replied with a mischievous smile. The girl then just walked out without another word of explanation.

“Could we go over the part again about being eaten Professor?” Hermione and Ginny each grabbed one of Ron’s arms then and followed after Luna themselves.


*****



“Well ‘ello Harry, Hermione…Miss Ginny. My, my now, what’s wrong with our young Ron this mornin’?”

“It’s just something that’s eating at him…or might be soon Professor,” Spenser explained.

“Ain’t no professor Mr. Hemmingway. It’s just simply Hagrid to yeh. I’m teachin’ ‘ere, but no proper Wizard yeh see.”

“It’s just Spenser then on my side…if that’s all right. You’re not a Wizard?” The sudden embarrassed looks on his friends’ faces made the American immediately regret his question.

“No…but I’m afraid that’s a long story. One of ‘em will tell it to yeh I’m sure. No, I don’t mind at all Harry.”

“Well you should be a Wizard Uncle Rubeus. I’ve always thought of you as one,” a new voice commented. A moment later their Australian guest emerged from Hagrid’s hut with Fang and gnawing on a rock cake. “Good batch these,” he commented about it.

“Holy smoke!” Spenser said under his breath. “You’re…”

“Yes, I am,” he said back, shaking the student’s hand.

“I’ve seen your stuff on television. Some of us in American actually have those. Oh Luna, a television is…I’ll explain later. This man is one of the finest naturalists since Jacque Cousteau, Marlin Perkins, or Marilyn Monroe on her private beach. I’ve watched everything I could with you ever since your guest appearance on Mutual of Manitoba’s Creature Kingdom. I never would have believed that someone could saddle up and ride a rhinoceros that way.”

“Oh, it must have been someone’s tame pet rhinoceros Spenser. You’re making it sound as if he’s…well foolhardy,” Hermione said in her normal exasperated tone.

“Hermione…foolhardy is that blind, backward spiral dive Harry and Ginny did in tandem during the Quidditch game last week,” Ron pointed out. “It was blowing so hard the rain was going right back up into the clouds again.”

“We won, didn’t we? No, foolhardy is reaching for food when all six of my brothers are home, at the table together, and Mum has just finished cooking her roasted sage goose.”

“Actually… Wait, mmm…sage goose, really? Uhm, anyway what I mean is that I’m rarely in any danger. I do know what I’m doin’, and I’m just tryin’ to call attention to the animals. There really is so much to see and learn from all of them. When I see a herd of zebras runnin’ across the plain, I just want to get out and run with them. When I’m facin’ down a cobra in India, it’s almost as if I could talk to it.”

“Harry here could probably translate for you,” Ron said.

“What’s that?”

“Nothing really…please go on,” Ginny told him after elbowing her brother.

“I remember the first time I saw young Skippy here wrestlin’ a crocodile…”

“Uncle Rubeus…please don’t call me that,” the man said, with wide eyes, and obviously only pretending to be frustrated about the nickname.

“As I was sayin’…to hear Skippy talk, you would have thought it was as beautiful as his date to the spring formal ball.”

“You weren’t visitin’ down there that year. Mildred Redbone was really…well she did seem to have a nice personality, and she could open a pop bottle with her front teeth. Miss, what I’m sayin’ is that it’s all about the animals, and I’m very careful. I always have a lot of help there in case we run into trouble doin’ things. That’s why I asked to have some Wizards from your school with us t’day. They wouldn’t allow me to bring in my normal crew.”

“Hold on…you’re a Muggle, a non-Magic I mean,” Harry said. He and everyone else were suddenly surprised that they hadn’t noticed before. “So that’s what Professor McGonagall meant by a fair amount of magical manipulation. They’d have to modify the school’s wards just so you’d be able to find it.”

“I’m afraid so. My parents first met your Mr. Hagrid here near Loch Ness when I was a small boy. He tried to convince them that he was tendin’ to a monster with a sore tooth. I’m the only one who believed him. We need to go back someday and film her Uncle Rubeus.”

“Nah…it would ruin the Muggles’ tourist business.”

“I’m sorry…I have a question for you. It’s below freezing out here. Are you really going to wear just your trademark khaki shirt and shorts?” Spenser asked.

“What? Oh right.” He stepped back in the hut, and returned a moment later, having added just a very long tan scarf. “How’s that? Now what’s up with the pith helmets you and your girlfriend are wearin’?”

“Girlfriend? No, you don’t understand she’s not…I mean I’m not… Quit grinning Luni. Could I get some help here please,” Spenser pleaded.

“What exactly are we going after in the forest today?” Harry finally asked.

“We’re goin’ after the very rare and very dangerous Scottish snow-snorter dragon. This one is supposed to be a real beauty too. Harry, is it? I’m told you’ve had a bit of experience with dragons…that’s outstandin’! Right…now we’re gonna find him…capture him…tag him, and then arrange for him to go to the dragon preserve. Crikey, it’s gonna be marvelous! Hold on…are you all right mate?”

“Eeep. Gurgle…oooh. Whaaa.”

“Great! Ginny, if you and Hermione could manage to distribute Ron’s lunch among us, Spenser and I will grab his arms and legs,” Harry told them.


*****



The troop had been traveling for over two hours when Hagrid called their first stop. They all knew now why they had gotten such an early start. Daylight was at a premium that time of year, and, for a good deal of the trek through the forbidden forest, the heavy canopy further obscured the sun. Fortunately for all of them, it had also diverted a great deal of the fallen snow, and it was acting as a natural windbreak as well.

To his credit, Ron snapped out of his comatose state about a quarter-mile inside. He realized finally that Hermione was determined to be there, as was his little sister. The calm, determined look he gave Harry once again communicated the fact that the love he felt for Hermione…for his friends and family as well…overpowered the terror that almost claimed him again. Something very strong had begun to grow in Ron that year, and, if anything, he now seemed simply embarrassed about it nearly beating him there.

Ginny gave Ron an affectionate punch in the arm, Harry offered him a friendly, understanding smile, and Hermione…well when Ginny and Harry imitated them a moment later, the rest almost applauded and whistled. Just bring on that dragon now!

“So, what can you tell us about these dragons…besides the fact that they’re beautiful? How could something so big go unnoticed in a place like Scotland?” Spenser asked Skippy.

“They’re supposedly nowhere as big as the ones Charlie Weasley took me to see. They’re about two or three times the size of a Komodo dragon. If the snow-snorters were a bit smaller, and there were fewer people about, maybe they could run free here as well. There are a few other things you should know about them. Instead of fire, they really do shoot out snow, or actually a frigid blast. Their main diet is snowmen, young maidens, and lost penguins. Of course, Hagrid has also told me about their eatin’ the occasional stray curlin’ team.”

“Can they fly?” Hermione asked, walking up with Harry and Ron.

“Nah, but they can run at least as fast as most men. I see all of you decided to come up for air,” he commented smiling. “No worries. My wife and I were the same way when we met…still are for that matter.”

“You probably didn’t have to hide that you were in love from a bunch of evil Wizards. We’re sort of in the middle of a war with them right now. They may try to get to Harry by hurting my sister…his girlfriend.”

“They may already know, but we’re still not advertising the fact,” Harry explained further. “Hagrid…Ginny and I decided this morning that we wanted to finally tell you. I’m sorry we didn’t do it sooner.”

“No problem Harry. A big softy like me…I saw through you two right off. Took long enough for yeh to figure it out though…I mean about bein’ together.”

“We’ve all heard that a few times before,” Ron commented. “Wait one…where is Ginny?”

“Where’s Luna?” Spenser asked as well.

Everyone looked about and saw that they were indeed missing. Confused, they started running around the small clearing, shouting their names, and then pausing for a moment to listen.

“Harry, what was that just there?” Skippy asked, holding up a hand for absolute silence. In the distance, they could hear the slightest hint of low-pitch roar.

“Blast…the girls found the dragon…or vice versa!” Harry called out. He was already running in that direction, side-by-side with the Australian. The rest of the team was only six or seven steps behind with wands at the ready. The onset of winter weather had all but eliminated Harry’s morning jogs, and he was hard-pressed to keep up with the Muggle. He still didn’t see the wisdom in wearing khaki shorts in the cold, but, at the moment, they did make perfect sense while running.

As they went through the woods, Harry saw that the trees were starting to thin out, the ground getting rougher, and the snow deeper. He had always wondered what was on the far side of this particular forest, and even toyed with the idea of flying out there on his broom to see it. Under any other circumstances, he would have enjoyed discovering and discretely enjoying the new landscape with Ginny. Now he was simply worried that the dragon was looking for a king-size after-dinner mint.

The two stopped once to listen again, and both frantically motioned for the others to freeze in place, so they could hear. A very distinct noise reached their ears again, and this time it was very, very close. Turning to parallel the wood line, they set off again, this time in an all-out sprint. Harry saw that Spenser had actually passed the others and caught up to them.

Finally, at an eastward bend in the trees, they spotted the dragon and one of the girls with her wand drawn. It was Ginny! Harry broke away, and tore off in her direction, pulling his own wand again as he went. The Australian and Spenser kept on after the dragon. As he reached Ginny, he pivoted around raising his wand as he did. He was desperately trying to think of a spell that would work on something that big.

“Komodo dragon nothing! This thing is bigger than my cousin Dudley!” he shouted to no one in particular.

“Harry no! It’s got Luna in its mouth! If you fire a spell at it, it will kill her with its frigid blast. She’s still alive…look,” Ginny quickly told him, grabbing his arm as she did. From its mouth were her kicking wool pant legs and those oversize boots she liked to wear in the snow. Both saw something else then that scared them almost as much.

“Holy…they’ve jumped on its back!” Harry yelled.

He took Ginny’s hand, and started off on a run again after the magical beast. Sure enough, Spenser and the Muggle had climbed aboard, and were now holding on for dear life. The dragon started thrashing about and bucking much like a rodeo bull. Neither Harry nor Ginny were sure, but it looked as if Skippy was having the time of his life while Spenser was in a furious state and uttering every curse word in the book. Actually, they had never heard him use profanity before.

All at once, it reared up on its hind legs, spit out Luna, and made a beeline back toward the forest. A moment later, Spenser dove off, landed hard, and then staggered over to her. He hugged his friend, and then turned to see the snow-snorter vanish into the woods. Three things were foremost on his mind: was Luna all right; how fast could that thing really run; and how had the thing escaped notice for so long in Scotland?

“Are you two really alive?” Ron asked before the others could. Hagrid joined them then, and it was a contest as to who was breathing the hardest.

“I’m fine. They don’t have actual teeth. Actually, it was rather fun,” Luna told everyone.

“Fun! Oh yeah…a regular A-ticket ride at Disneyland!” Spenser screamed at the girl. The way he was shaking, it was evident that he was still scared for her, upset that it had happened, and the adrenalin was starting to wear off. “Harry, if I’m going to keep writing these stories about you and Ginny, then you’re going to have to do all the heroics! Where are all of those…”

They spotted them then…the group’s stunt people coming out of the forest now several minutes too late. Harry waved them off though, knowing full-well that they would have to pay their stage doubles full union-scale wages for the day regardless.

“Now would someone please explain to me what happened to you two?” Ron asked, staring down his now-embarrassed sister.

“I…um, needed to use the little Witch’s tree, and Luna came with me. We just ran into the bloody thing. It went for me first, but Luna pushed me out of the way. It grabbed her and took off. I chased them and hoped you had heard the commotion. I guess that you did.”

“The big question now is how do we find it again,” Hermione pointed out.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that. It should be easy enough to track ‘em if we take our time,” Hagrid said in a surprisingly calm voice. “Ha…young Skippy must be havin’ the best time right now. I kinda envy him.” The others just gawked at him in disbelief.

“Well…maybe we should…uhm, get started,” Harry finally said.

“In a minute Harry. I still have to… Well, believe it or not I do,” Ginny told him.

“Oh right. I have somethin’ here for yeh then Ginny girl,” Hagrid said, starting to dig through his backpack.

“Actually Hagrid, I already have toilet paper.”

He continued to search through it though for almost another minute before pulling out a small green tin and handing it to her. “Do yeh have a supply of dragon repellant?”

“Now you tell me about it!”


*****



“I guess he was able to stay aboard him,” Ron pointed out. “If he had been thrown, the dragon wouldn’t have thrashed about causing so much damage all this way. I think were almost back to Hogwarts.”

“Oh boy…if something has happened to him, we’re going to have to explain a whole lot to the Nature Conservancy, the National Geographic Society, and a half-dozen cable television channels.” They saw it was one of the few times that Spenser was absolutely serious.

“With this path then, I imagine he’s still okay,” Harry suggested. He was worried though and had gone out of his way to stay very close to Ginny as they traveled. He saw Ron was doing the same with Hermione, and, not surprisingly, Spenser with Luna. Harry smiled knowing the American would later explain that he was just looking after Neville’s girl. He then glanced over at Hagrid and saw that he was the one person who was not only still calm, but actually in a good mood.

“We’re almost there I think,” the half-giant said, as if reading the others’ thoughts. “Yeah…there’s a fall of trees on the other side of that there wash. Even somethin’ that big wouldn’t get through it easy. Skippy must have steered him there I recon.”

“Steered it there? Have you been into Mad-Eye’s gin supply again Hagrid?” Ron asked in complete disbelief.

“Yeh know about that do yeh? Well I’m sober now, and I’ll bet you one of yer Mum’s pies that I’m right.”

Without another word, he set off through the forest at a quickened pace, that the rest were hard-pressed to match. Ten minutes additional walking brought him to the very spot he mentioned. He waited there for the others to catch up, and then an additional few minutes for them to take the whole scene in.

“I don’t…I can’t believe it,” Hermione was the first to say. She then pulled out her camera.

“I believe yeh owe me that pie now young Ron Weasley. Oh…and I told you so.”

Before them, curled up on the ground, was an unmistakably exhausted dragon. Tied to the base of its horns were the remnants of the scarf the Muggle had been wearing earlier, fashioned into some manner of bridle. Skippy, waved to the approaching students, laughing and almost bouncing with excitement.

“Isn’t he a beauty? Uncle Rubeus…have you ever heard of one bein’ this huge? Crikey…I’ve never seen anythin’ like it! I’m sorry Ron. I needed to use the share of your lunch I was totin’ along with mine. Couldn’t have him tryin’ to eat one of the girls again.”

All the others could do was stare at the two until Harry finally took a step forward. He had an arm around Ginny, as much out of a need to protect her as it was affection. All at once he began to softly laugh and shake his head in understanding. He heard Ginny join in as well.

“You tamed him! You actually tamed a dragon! You mad, crazy Muggle…you rode a Scottish snow-snorter for miles through the forest, and then you saddle-broke him!”

“Yes…actually I did. They’re really so very, very intelligent Harry. I just wish that crocs were as bright. Now who would be wantin’ a ride back over to your castle…that is if I can still see the thing with all that magic on it?”

Not one person in their party called for their stunt double.


*****



A month and a half later the story appeared in a number of Muggle publications, and everyone involved laughed about the way it was portrayed as fantasy-fiction. Their new friend explained in a letter, however, that the way it had been written, the story was being well-received by young and old alike. Working with Spenser, he had been able to introduce some strong points about the plight of many animals, how beautiful and interesting they really were and the fascination…joy he felt working with all beasts (even if they were not magical).

At the same time, it was published in The Quibbler and The Royal Wizard Dragon Society Bulletin. Luna’s father had made the point of posting it to the Wizard Wire as well. This time it included photographer credits for Hermione, but conveniently omitted the part where The Australian was actually a Muggle. Spenser was desperately trying to think of a way to bring everyone together with a television, so he could introduce them to Skippy’s program.

In short order, the friends’ lives returned to a series of other challenges and adventures, all of which may be told at another time, and at another fireside. Slowly their Horcrux hunt progressed, and the war with Voldemort trudged on. There were victories and losses, love and tragedy, Molly Weasley’s pies, more excellent corned beef sandwiches, and, of course, countless memories formed.

Naturally, they all lost track of the naturalist…that is until one day in early April when Hagrid brought another message from him, relayed through the two governments.

“His letter is asking us if we could spare him a day next weekend,” Hermione related as she read it for all of them. “Somehow a herd of American flying bison have been spotted over Wales. He would really like to investigate this, and he wants us to accompany him. The Ministry has already approved the expedition, provided we take three guards with us…he no doubt means Aurors. Well everyone, what do you think? I’m sure that Professor McGonagall won’t be able to object.”

“We’re in,” Ginny and Harry said together.

“I’ll answer for Luna; we’re going too,” Spenser volunteered. “What about you Ron? We can’t leave you behind.”

“I don’t know. The last time Ginny almost got eaten. Mum is still sore at me about that for some reason.”

“Ron…did you know that American bison are also know there as buffaloes?” Harry asked his friend. He shot Spenser a sly look that the American immediately understood.

“I guess so.”

“Do you remember the Buffalo Wings I introduced to your family at the Burrow last August?” Spenser asked then.

“Right…they were brilliant, and… Oh wow!” he suddenly yelled. Jumping from the Common Room sofa, he ran to the stairs smiling as if Hermione had kissed him again.

“Ron, where are you going?” Ginny called after him, laughing and already knowing the answer.

“For a bib and that five-gallon jug of barbeque sauce I got for my birthday. Hermione…I’m going too!”

Mischief managed!

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