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Getting Through | ||||
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Category: Post-OotP Characters:Harry/Ginny Genres: Angst Warnings: None Story is Complete Rating: PG Reviews: 4 Summary: A one shot. Once the war is over those who are left behind must learn to cope. Hitcount: Story Total: 5091 |
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Getting Through Ashlyn Alexander What’s the point of living when you have nothing to live for? When the struggle you go through every day is enough to make you give up? What’s the point when you are constantly fighting back the familiar itch behind your eyes that the tears cause? When you spend more of your time in tears than you do happy. Everyone looks at me and sees the spoiled little girl who has the dream life. But they never pay attention to the far off stares that will overtake my face as my inner world comes crashing down around me. In one moment, my smile can instantly disappear without warning, and all I can see are the shadows looming around me ever closer. And I can’t help but be selfish and question, “What about me? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I always have to live with so many hidden scars?” I don’t like it. I can’t stand it really. The pain is a constant now, that I’ve grow accustom to. But I can still feel it and I still know it’s always there. I will feel someone’s eyes on me just before the waters come crashing down and I will pull myself out of it and paste a smile on my face. They will look at me a moment longer but then, finally determining that the hollow look they thought they saw was nothing but a figment of their imagination. But then there’s that one person who will see it. One person who knows that they did see my look and that my smile isn’t real. Just like today. Today my smile suddenly fell and I was sucked into my thoughts. Not noticing the look he was giving me. Not until he can up to me. Like every time he catches me, he always says that I need to smile. One small smile will make him happy enough to walk off, but shortly after he will appear again, watching me. The next thing he will tell me is that I’m depressing him. Followed shortly by ‘you look like your dog died.’ From then on, for the rest of the day, I can feel his eyes watching me. Not all the time but a glance here and a glance there. Just enough that he is satisfied that I’m still there. And that I’m not lost in my own dark world. It’s like no matter what I do, he always knows that my darkness is always hovering close to me. Threatening me with the overpowering heaviness. And I try. Dear God do I try. I try to beat the darkness and the sense of falling. But more often than not I can’t outrun it. I’m selfish now. Sometimes I think that if I would forget about everyone else that my life would somehow end up better. If I would leave other people to deal with their own problems that my life would somehow fall into place. But then I remember that I can’t do that. If I’m the only person holding something together and then I give up on it, it will all fall apart. And it will be my fault in the end. But if I disregard myself for just a bit longer-just long enough to hold someone else’s life back together-then I will have done my part to make their life that much more simple. But it never fails. As soon as one problem is fixed, another arises. And now people don’t seem to realize that I have problems also. Problems of my own. And that I am unable to handle my own problems but I always take on theirs, just to make their load a little easier. And now it’s my own fault, once again. I’ve let so many people come to me with their problems then never asked them to return the favor that now they never stop to think about me and if they can help me. It was there that Ginny left off. The sound of the back door of the Burrow interrupted her entry. Quickly she shut her diary and folded her arms over it to shield it from the person’s view. Blinking rapidly, she quickly hid her tears also. “Hey Gin,” the ever so familiar voice said from behind her. Ginny sniffled, and wiped the remaining tears from her face before Harry could see them. “Hello, Harry,” Ginny said, sniffing once again. Harry sat down next to her on the step. “What’s wrong Gin?” he simply asked without looking at her. A brilliant smile instantly appeared on Ginny’s face. “What do you mean Harry? Nothing’s wrong.” Harry frowned at her, “Don’t lie to me Gin. Never lie. Because I can tell when you lie.” “Nothing’s wrong with me. Same as always.” “Well that’s what I’m afraid of. How long have we lived together now Gin? And you still think there is anything I don’t know about you.” “It hasn’t been that long Harry. And there are still quite a few things you don’t know about me.” “It’s been five years Gin. That’s a while. Plus I notice a lot more than people give me credit for.” Ginny scooted closer to him and linked her arm through his. “I’m fine Harry.” Harry didn’t look convinced but left it alone. Ginny leaned her head into his shoulder as they sat there watching the sunset. The Burrow was no longer filled with loud chatter and the happy voices of so many. Over the past six years everything had changed. In that amount of time there had been a war throughout the wizarding world and the number of the Weasley family had been cut in half. Throughout the few months of the war Percy, Bill, Mrs. Weasley and Ron were lost, along with a number of students Harry and Ginny had known in school, including a number of former DA members. And Hermione. The war also left Mr. Weasley in St. Mungos. In one day, Harry and Ginny had lost most of the people who mean the most to them. Harry lost his first true friends. He lost half of his second family. And Ginny….well she had lost part of the only family she had ever known. They each carried on the best they could. They were very much in the public eye after the war was over and they were sure to put on their public faces whenever needed. In the first year, the two came to rely heavily on each other for the support they needed to overcome the events. And over time Harry learned to live again, without those he loved so much. But at the same time, Harry could sense that Ginny wasn’t the same. Her happiness was gone. She put on a show for the rest of her family, who were trying so hard to survive, but Harry knew that it was all an act. After the war Ginny was the only one left at the Burrow. This is what Harry decided needed to be changed. Without giving Ginny a choice, Harry decided that she needed to move out of he childhood home, which now haunted her with so many memories and dreams that could now never be. He packed her things and moved her into his house, which is where she had been for the past five years. With much work, Harry could see some improvement in Ginny, but every time she came back to the Burrow it was like the fire inside her extinguished once again and Harry was forced to start all over again with her. “Come on Gin. Let’s get out of here,” Harry said, helping Ginny to her feet. Ginny nodded absentmindedly before apparating. The house they had lived in for the past five years sat just outside of a small muggle town in the outskirts of the London area. It was by far the largest house in the area and at times Ginny felt guilty that she was the one to live in it. But the neighbors were friendly and wouldn’t hesitate to walk up to Harry or Ginny out of the blue to strike up a conversation. The two appeared in the spacious white living room. Ginny left the room without a word to Harry, heading to her room. She needed to think. Harry sadly watched her go but didn’t follow her. Instead, he walked slowly out the back door and into the large yard, complete with a swimming pool. Before Harry had the chance to notice the person, a voice called out from the next yard over. There, Harry spotted the little old lady who had taken it upon herself to bake for Harry and Ginny every so often. “Harry, dear,” she called out to him, waving him over. Harry bit back a scowl. He liked his friendly neighbor, but today he simply wasn’t in the mood for a chat. Harry forced a smile, “Hello, Mrs. Chamberton, how are you doing today?” He slowly made his way over to the wooden fence, which separated their yards. “Oh this old bag of bones isn’t doing to bad, dear,” Mrs. Chamberton said, “I just wanted to give you these. I baked again today.” In her wrinkled hand she held a basket of cookies and muffins. “Why thank you Mrs. Chamberton. Ginny will be thrilled to see these,” Harry praised as he took the basket from her. “I made her favorite. Everything has chocolate chips in it,” Mrs. Chamberton rattled off, “But I won’t hold you any longer, dear. You look like you need to think. So off with you.” “You’re right. And thank you again for the muffins and cookies. I’ll be sure to leave some for Ginny.” Mrs. Chamberton laughed as she and Harry parted ways. Harry went back into their house, not wanting to attract the attention of any more of the neighbors. The downstairs was quiet, meaning Ginny was still holed up in her room. Harry passed through the kitchen, depositing the basket on the counter, and made his way up the stairs. “Ginny?” he said, knocking on the door as he pushed it open. Ginny was seated at her desk, scribbling in her journal. “Gin?” She still didn’t look up. Harry sighed. “I’m going to go pick up something for us to eat tonight. Want anything special?” Attempting to be discreet, Ginny wiped the tears from her face and turned to Harry. “No. Nothing special. Just get whatever you are in the mood for,” she said. Harry continued to stare at her for several moments, leaning against the doorframe. Ginny ignored him and went back to her writing. Harry sighed once again and turned to leave the room. “Ginny!” Harry called once he was through the door, “Come on down and eat! It’s going to get cold!” Harry had time to get to the kitchen, drop the food parcels on the counter and to have two settings in place at the table before he even heard Ginny’s door open. Slowly, Ginny entered the room. Harry could tell that she had taken a shower, like she always does after they come back from the Burrow, for her hair was piled high on her head, still wet. He could also tell that she had schooled her features on her way down the stairs. Harry over looked this, and began setting the food out on the table, while Ginny came over to the table carrying two glasses of butterbeer. Harry pulled out Ginny’s seat, waiting for her to sit down before pushing it in for her. “Thank you,” Ginny mumbled, taking a sip of her butterbeer. Harry seated himself across from her, gazing at her, deep in thought. They silently ate their meal, neither one very hunger. Ginny moved to get up but Harry spoke before she had the chance. “Gin, we need to talk.” “Okay,” Ginny said softly, fully wishing Harry had never spoken. Harry stood up, picking up both plates and taking them to the sink where he charmed them to clean themselves. “Come on, love,” he said, offering his hand to Ginny. Ginny slipped her hand into Harry’s larger one and followed him through the house. They ended up in her favorite room of the house. It was a sort of sunroom. The walls were all windows that the two had charmed so that they could see out and the sun could some it, but no one from the outside could see it. That allowed them privacy without the need to ever cover the windows. There was an overly large white couch that took up nearly one wall. The rest of the room was sparsely decorated. The two had decided it needed to be kept fairly simple, just the way they liked it. Besides the couch, there was a glass coffee table and a fireplace. The couch alone made them enjoy the room. They had spent many nights on that couch over the years, just talking or sitting. The couch was deep and when you sat in it, it felt much like air. Giving the room and over all comfortable feel. Harry sat down on the couch, pulling Ginny with him. “Listen, Gin. I know that you are still having problems. Hell I am too. But you can’t keep doing this to yourself. Every time we go to the Burrow it’s like a little bit more of you dies. And I can’t stand by and watch that happen. Not when I should be doing something. So I want you to do me a favor. I want you to talk to me. That is something we haven’t really done-- Don’t interrupt me yet–I know we talk all the time. But you know what I mean. I think we need to talk about what happened. Then maybe we can both get past it. Not forget it, just learn to live and TRULY be happy.” Ginny sat silently for a long moment, praying that she wouldn’t have to do what Harry was asking. Talking about the past only made it real. Without talking about it she was able to pretend it wasn’t true. “Please, Gin. Let me in.” Ginny’s eyes were watering. “Please,” Harry repeated. Ginny finally nodded and took a deep breath, “What do you want to know?” “Tell me about the attack at the Burrow. I want to know what you remember.” Ginny took another shaky breath and began, “I remember the terror. I could feel it. I don’t really know how. But it felt so cold. I was still in my room. Hermione and I heard the crashing…Hermione got to the door first. And..and…then she fell. She just fell. I remember trying to scream. But I couldn’t. And I knew that I needed to warn everyone, but I didn’t. I couldn’t take my eyes off Hermione…” Ginny broke off as a sob racked her body. Harry drew her against him and wrapped his arms around her protectively. Ginny’s head instantly went to his chest while her hand curled into his shirt. “I don’t know why…but they didn’t come into the room. But I heard one of them say ‘Find the girl.’ They meant me. They were looking for me. A-and then I heard…Ron…and Mum. I heard them shouting. And I heard something fall on the stairs. I-I-I made myself s-step over H-hermione. And I saw the deatheater on the ground just above my room but there were more. They were fighting with Ron and Mum. Oh Merlin. I ran Harry. I ran. I just left Mum and Ron…and I ran.” Ginny’s tears had stopped and she was staring blankly ahead of her. Harry’s soft voice spoke, “I know you fought Ginny. You were still fighting when I got there. I saw you. You didn’t run.” “But I did Harry. I did. I was scared. They were after me. And I was afraid. I only fought once I was downstairs…When I didn’t have a choice. But I was running away when Mum and Ron were killed. I could have saved them. I could have saved Hermione. But I only thought of myself. Harry, I was behind those deatheaters. I could have cursed them…then Mum and Ron wouldn’t have died. But…” “They did, Ginny. You weren’t the cause of that. Lucius Malfoy, Flint, and Nobb. It’s there fault. They were the ones who attacked your mum, Ron and Hermione. You didn’t turn your wand on them.” “But I should have stopped it. I should have…” “You couldn’t have. You wouldn’t have been able too.” “I should have tried…” “I’m glad you didn’t.” Ginny pulled away from him sharply, looking at him. “Your glad I didn’t save my family?” Her voice was icy. “Let me finish. I was going to say that I don’t think I could have lost you too. So I’m glad you didn’t try cause then I might have lost you.” “I’m glad I didn’t lose you too,” Ginny whispered, “That would have been too much.” That was the last word they spoke. The two slipped into silence, both thinking over what the other had said. The sun slipped down in the sky, casting shadows all around them. Harry leaned his head against Ginny’s, which was still rested on his chest. “Let’s go on to bed,” Harry said when he noticed Ginny fighting off a yawn. She nodded and pulled herself away from him, standing. She held her hand out to him, Harry took it, and the two made there way up to their rooms. Harry stopped off at the bathroom before heading for his room, stopping at the bathroom door to watch Ginny as she disappeared through her door. Silently, he went through the motions of preparing for bed then went down the hall to his room. In the middle of his bed he found a beat up old book. Immediately he recognized it to be Ginny’s journal. Debating whether it was left for him to read, Harry noticed a note laying partially beneath it. It read: I think it’s time I let you read this. Harry knew the neat, yet loopy writing to be Ginny’s, okaying him to read her private thoughts. Harry picked the book up and situated himself in bed to begin reading. ………………….. What’s the point of living when you have nothing to live for? When the struggle you go through every day is enough to make you give up? What’s the point when you are constantly fighting back the familiar itch behind your eyes that the tears cause? When you spend more of your time in tears than you do happy…. And I can’t help but be selfish and question, “What about me? Why can’t I be happy? Why do I always have to live with so many hidden scars?”…The pain is a constant now, that I’ve grow accustom to. But I can still feel it and I still know it’s always there….there’s that one person who will see it. One person who knows that they did see my look and that my smile isn’t real. And I try. Dear God do I try. I try to beat the darkness and the sense of falling. But more often than not I can’t outrun it. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I just don’t think I can take it anymore. Everything I love is ruined. Why does that keep happening? Is there something about me that brings this on? Am I being repaid for my part in the chamber? Well if that’s what it is then I will take responsibility for it. But can’t my family be left alone. If there has ever been something that I have done, that is that horrible wrong, then it should be taken out on me. Kill me. Torture me. But don’t hurt my family. It’s not their fault that I always manage to mess things up. I feel dirty. Like I do every time I get back from the Burrow. Dirty. From being in my childhood home. The thought makes me sick but it is the truth and I can’t help it. Once I get back home to my shower, I can not get the water hot enough and I can’t use enough soap. The thought of the Burrow always has that effect on me. All my childhood memories are overpowered by that one night that started it all. I stood and watched my mum, brother and Hermione fall. I watched them fall while the deatheaters were trying to get to me. I stood there and let it happen. I was selfish enough to make them die for me. I should have died that night. If I would have then they would still be here. Then the rest of my brothers wouldn’t have lost their mother and brother. And Hermione’s parents wouldn’t have lost their only child. And Harry….Harry wouldn’t have lost his first and best friends or his second mother. My selfishness took away Harry’s second family. Harry stared dumbfounded at the book. Tear stain were scattered across the pages, smudging the ink so much that in places it was difficult to decipher. He had sat there for four hours straight, reading every thought Ginny had recorded in the book. He knew she had several more, but this one alone was enough to break his heart. Harry also knew that the last two entries were the ones he had seen her writing today. Harry closed the book and went to pull his glasses off when he noticed that his cheeks were wet. He didn’t realize he had been crying while reading about the pain Ginny felt. He slipped the journal under his pillow and laid down, closing his eyes. It took nearly an hour before Harry’s mind would allow him to sleep. Ginny sat bolt right up in her bed, sweat glistening in the light of the night lamp outside the window. Her breath was coming in quick shallow gasps as she fumbled around for the light. The dream that woke her quickly faded from her mind, leaving only the feeling it caused. The clock on her side table flashed 4:29 a.m. Silently she pulled herself out of her bed, clutching a well worn white teddy bear in one hand. As childish as it sounded, Ginny slept with that bear every night. It was a gift from Harry while they were still in Hogwarts. Ginny stepped out into the hall. It was dark. For once Harry had remembered to go through and shut off all the lights. She crept down the hallway until she came to Harry’s door. As always, it was standing open just a fraction of an inch. Something he always did since the first time she had been awakened by a nightmare. Ginny pushed the door open and slipped into the dark, calming room. Harry’s room couldn’t help but have that effect on you. With it’s dark colors it instantly began soothing her. Ginny didn’t waste any time. She crossed the room and crawled up to the head of the bed. Harry groggily opened one eye, feeling the bed as it weighed down in different spots as Ginny moved. “Mmm….nightmare again?” Harry asked, muffled by the pillow. “Uh huh,” Ginny whispered. Wordlessly, Harry pulled the covers to the side to allow Ginny to slip between the sheets and take her place next to him. Ginny’s head sank down into the down pillow as she curled up next to Harry. Harry being nearby was all Ginny needed to drift off back to sleep. Just as she was on the border of sleep she heard Harry’s soothing voice whisper in the darkness, “I’m so sorry, love.” Ginny didn’t reply, her dreamy state to comforting to break. Harry’s arm instinctively draped over her stomach, protectively as the two drifted off to the first peaceful sleep they had both had in years. |
| Reviews 4 |
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