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SIYE Time:11:49 on 13th December 2024
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Blank
By Lucy Black

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Category: Post-OotP
Characters:Harry/Ginny
Genres: Angst, Songfic
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: G
Reviews: 8
Summary: It's summer after fifth year, and Harry has a lot in his mind. How can a boy deal with all the loss and guilt? And how can he fight if he's feeling empty? And who is the only one who knows what's going on with him? It's a sad one, but has some H/G hints... You must read to see! One-shot. Songfic with Evanescense's Bring Me To Life.
Hitcount: Story Total: 4482







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A/N: I just need to say THANKS to my sister Denny for saying this was worth posting... And for helping me with it! And to her friend Luvga, for being my beta! Really thanks!

BLANK

"He just needs time." Her voice interrupted what seemed like an argument. It was followed by a long silence.

"And you think you know him better than us because...?" A sarcastic voice filled the void.

"Don't be rude to your sister, Ronald. She's just trying to help." Another voice, Hermione's, sounded in the kitchen.

"Well, I don't remember asking for her help, Hermione." Ron looked at both girls in front of him as he said this.

"I care too, did you know that? He may be closer to both of you, but that doesn't mean that I'm not his friend either." She looked very calm while saying this "I just think he needs time. This year was hell for him and you just can't expect him to go on as if nothing had happened. I was there, some time ago. Believe me, time is the best way to deal with it."

And with that, she left the house, without looking back. She did what she used to do back during summer after her first year at Hogwarts, when she had to deal with her own personal hell. She searched for a haven somewhere quiet, not too far from the Burrow, somewhere no one else knew of. At least that was what she thought. She recognized him from afar, a lonely figure, leaning against a tree, a thoughtful look on his face. His dark hair was messy as always and she knew, even though she couldn't see them, that his eyes did not hold the same sparkle they once held.

"Ginny?" She hadn't noticed that he had seen her. She jumped a little when she heard him call her name.

"Sorry, Harry. I didn't know there was someone here." She bit her bottom lip, not knowing what to say. "Actually, I didn't know any one else knew this place."

"Am I trespassing?" he asked, standing up. She stopped him.

"That's okay." She gave him a sweet smile, trying not to worry about the look in his eyes. "Are you... is everything okay?"

"You know, Ginny, I really don't want to talk about it."

"I know you don't," she said simply and he looked at her with his eyebrows raised, not quite understanding what she was up to. "I'm not saying that I know how you're feeling. We both know it wouldn't be true. Damn, your life was hell this year and for your entire life. And people still want you to be the same boy you were before. People who never had to go through half of what you went through." He was still looking at her but now he didn't seem confused anymore, just surprised. "The truth is much more simple than you think. These people love you, Harry and they hate to see the haunted look in your eyes. They do all they can to try and see a glimpse of that old sparkle again, even though they hurt you when they try." She sighed, still looking in his eyes. "I guess you only need time, right? Just remember you're not alone. Not anymore." And with that, she walked away.

Alone again, he closed his eyes, leaned his head on the tree and sighed, thinking once more...


How can you see into my eyes
like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb?


How can someone I was never close too look into my eyes and put into words everything I'm feeling? How can she know what I've been feeling every day after Sirius' death? How could she find that part of me that is numb?

Not that Ron and Hermione haven't been good friends. They are, and I know they're trying to help me. I don't doubt their love. It's just that sometimes they try too hard. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I don't want to say what I feel when I'm alone. I don't want to laugh or make jokes when my head's full of things they don't understand. Things they know nothing of.

Ginny was right in everything she said. My hell started even before Sirius' death. It started the day my blood brought back to life someone who can destroy the world. I'm still a child, even though some people think I've grown up. Sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed and cry myself to sleep. I don't want to carry this burden.

And she said I'm not alone. I know that in a way she is right. I look around me and I see that she's right. I'm in my second home. I'm surrounded by people who love me, people who care about me, who care about everything I do or say or feel. And I know that I'm unfair when I yell at them. But the truth is that I am alone. Alone with my guilt. Alone with my pain. Alone with a hell of a burden.

I am not the same Harry Potter I was before.

Without a soul;
my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold,
until you find it there and lead it back home.


What have I lost? My innocence? Perhaps. My childhood? Sure. But I can handle this. I'm used to loss, right? That's what I expect people to think. But it's not true. I will never be able to deal with the emptiness that now lives in me.

I'm lost. My thoughts are lost, my soul is lost, my spirit is lost. Dumbledore's voice keeps echoing in my head, making me think about what I have to do. Kill or die. Memories of a time when life was much more simpler, a time when I smiled and played, without knowing about my future are haunting me. And memories of the short time I shared with Sirius, along with hopes of a better life, make me want to sleep. Sleep and never wake up again.

Wake me up inside.
Wake me up inside.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run.
Before I come undone.
Save me from the nothing I've become.


I want to scream. Scream with all my might for everyone to understand - I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be The-Boy-Who-Lived, I didn't ask to be the only one to destroy Voldemort. I didn't ask to share his powers. I don't want them. But I don't have a choice.

Can I ask for help? If I did, would someone help me? When I feel lonely, when things around me don't make any sense, I'll call for help. I'll call for someone to bring light to the darkness.

Who am I? A teenager who survived Voldemort four times. Yes, I can say his name. It won't affect me. It won't affect him either. It's just a name. But that's not the point, is it? What I mean is that it doesn't matter how many times I survived. I'm nothing. I'm empty.

Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real.
Bring me to life.


Sirius left a hole inside me. And it hurts. It hurts more than I could ever imagine. It hurts more than the people around me, with their pity and empty words, could understand. It was my biggest loss.

Yes, it's true that I lost my parents before and that it changed my life. But my parents, who were supposed to be the most important part of my life, were never more than pictures, desires, dreams and memories of people who used to know them. My heart breaks every time I think about them, every time I think about the life we could have had together, every time I think about all they did for me. And I love them, more than I can say. It's just that I never had too much to hold to.

But Sirius was different. He was real, he was right beside me when I needed help with school problems, personal problems... He was always around, with his head bobbing in the fireplace, or with his words on a parchement brought in the middle of the night.

He talked to me when I needed to talk. He understood me in a way no one else did. I guess we were much more alike than we knew. We dealt with so much in so little time. And lost so much. I lost my father, he lost his best friend. A friend who was the only real family he had.

While I was living with the dreams of a family who could have loved me, I was okay. But now I had a shadow of a family. I had someone who had been a father, an older brother, a friend. Someone who knew my parents, who knew my past. It was brief, but it was enough.

Sirius Black was my only family. Now he's dead. And he's dead because I loved him, because I cared...

Wake me up inside.
Wake me up inside.
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run.
Before I come undone.
Save me from the nothing I've become.


I feel guilty and I suppose I'll always feel that way. I know that it was Bellatrix Lestrange who killed him. But Sirius wouldn't be dead if it wasn't for me. If I had never loved him and if I hadn't gone to his rescue, even with Hermione telling me not to, he would have lived.. If I didn't want so much freedom, I would have opened that present he gave me.

The mirror. The damn mirror. If I had not been so stubborn, I would have known. He was reckless but he wouldn't have risked going back to Azkaban for something stupid like Occlumency classes. He cared too much. I could have opened that present. I could have known that if I just called his name, he would have talked to me. And no one would know about it. But I worried too much and I didn't know that I had lost the only way to talk to him when I needed him most. He would have told me he was okay. And nothing would have happened. But I loved him and I wanted him safe so I didn't risk it. And now he's dead. Yes, dead. And I'll never see him again. I'll never hear his advice, which wasn't always the best, but always made me feel better.

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love, darling.
Only you are the life among the dead


The truth is that now is the moment I need advice the most. Now is the time where I cannot fail. Because it is in my insecurity and in my guilt that my weakness dwells. I need something to hold on to, someone to hold on to. I need a reason to keep going. I need to love. Isn't that my biggest weapon? My heart?

It's funny. Dumbledore said that I will find my strength in love. But it was because of love that he made his biggest mistake. And it was because of love that I made my biggest mistake. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I only know that I have to fight. I need to find a reason to survive through it.

All of this time
I can't believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark
but you were there in front of me


Laughter. I can hear someone laughing. But I guess I really don't need to look too far to see where they are. Or who they are. Yes, we are in the middle of a war. And yes, innocent people lose their lives in wars. But in order to have death there has to be life.
A life that is worth living.

When I was young I used to wonder what it would be like to live in a big family. Fights. Happiness. Love. And now I'm here, watching a big family seated around a table. Laughing. Playing. Teasing. I look at them and I know that they are the reason I must fight this evil. They know there's a war out there, but they are here now seeking support from each other.

Fred and George just arrived from the shop and are now showing the new jokes they invented to Ron and Ginny. They are both laughing. Bill and Charlie are making a big mess setting the table. Hermione is at the front door, her hands on her hips, about to yell at Ron for going along with the twins. Mr. Weasley is in a corner, working on something that looks very much like a grill. I wonder how he conviced Mrs. Weasley into turning dinner into a Muggle barbecue.

I've been sleeping a thousand years, it seems.
I've got to open my eyes to everything.


They still don't know I'm here, although I'm sure they're wondering where I am. And they really are working hard on dinner tonight. Why? Because today is my birthday and they want to make it special. They want to see me smiling. They want, as Ginny said earlier, to see the sparkle in my eyes.

I know now that they are the reason I will fight. They need to keep going with this amazing life they have. And they are the reason I have to keep living after the fight because they welcomed me into their home. I'm part of this family, even when I'm feeling as lonely as I am now. And I know this will always be my home.

"Harry?" I hear someone calling my name and turn to see Ginny by my side, smiling. "Have you been standing here long?"

"Nah." I smile and turn back to the house just in time to watch Ron and Hermione having a row about responsibility. Ginny is still smiling at me and I feel a little better. "How is everything?"

"Same as always." We walk side by side towards the others.

"Harry!" Now it's Ron who calls my name, as he tries to escape Hermione's rage. "Are you..." he begins, but stops after Ginny gives him a look. ". . .willing to play a little Quidditch? I guess we won't be eating for a while..." I smile.

"I'm going to pass this time, Ron," I say. Quidditich is one of my most favorite things in the world. Just like my Firebolt. A gift from Sirius. A gift he gave me before he even knew me. I try not to think about it.

Without a thought
Without a voice
Without a soul
Don't let me die here
There must be something more.
Bring me to life.


"Maybe Wizard Chess, what do you think?" Ron smiles and runs to the house, while I walk to where Hermione is helping Mr. Weasley light the grill.

It's not as if I'm suddenly fine and the problems are forgotten.. I know they all love me, but they are not Sirius. And they are not my parents. But they will be my strength from now on. They will be the reason I'll win this damn war.

They still don't know about the prophecy. They don't know that I will have to become a murderer. Or die. Or both. I'll tell them, eventually. But not tonight. They're doing all this for me tonight. I'll let them enjoy it.

I will worry about it later. I will try to be ready later. And I will make those around me ready too. They will have to know that I will never be the same. That the Harry Potter they once knew doesn't exist anymore. And I am nothing but a weak smile. I have a hole in my heart.

Bring me to life.


Inside the mind of a red-haired girl, who was watching the boy closely, one thing was certain. It didn't matter how long it would take, or how hard she would have to try. One day, she would be the family he needed.

THE END
Reviews 8
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