SIYE Time:0:12 on 9th December 2024 SIYE Login: no | | |
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I Finally Understand By Athea
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Category: Post-HBP
Characters:Harry/Ginny
Genres: Angst
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: PG
Reviews: 18
Summary: As Ginny watches Harry prepare to leave The Burrow, to leave her, for what could be the last time, she discovers her true strength while struggling with her feelings of weakness, loneliness, bitterness, and love.
Hitcount: Story Total: 4989
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Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling
*****
You’re leaving.
I can’t believe I just realized that you’re actually leaving. I mean, I knew since Dumbledore’s funeral that the time was coming. It just finally hit home that you will be leaving to fight your battle to save the wizarding world and I will be left behind.
I know I’m supposed to be the smartest witch in my year, but I honestly didn’t comprehend the fact that I might never see you again. I understood the prophecy, that stupid prophecy made all those years ago. I understood that you would either kill Voldemort or die trying. I just didn’t realize that the three of you would actually leave me. I didn’t understand that you all might die on your quest and I would never know what happened to my best friend, my closest brother, and the only man I could ever really love.
You would think, now that the truth has sunk in, that I would finally be able to develop some plan of action. You’d think I could come up with an argument that would convince you of how important I could be to your mission. You’d expect me to come up with some trick worthy of Fred and George, a trick that would allow me to come with you, undetected, until it was too late to send me back. But I can’t.
The realization has actually frozen me. I can’t figure out a way to think beyond the buzzing that seems to have filled my brain, the numbness that has penetrated every inch of my body, the cold dread that has settled in my heart. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t even breathe around the lump of fear that seems to have lodged itself in my chest.
I’ve heard you and Ron packing upstairs. I’ve heard your quiet words scattered throughout your silence. I’ve seen Hermione’s traveling bag, ready ever since she arrived at the Burrow. I know the time is coming. I know, now that the wedding is over, that you won’t be staying long, but I can’t bring myself to ask you when you are leaving. I think that talking with you about your leaving with you would actually kill me.
So we’ve spent the two weeks since you returned to the Burrow trying to act like we did before that magnificent, time-stopping kiss in the common room. I tried to accept that you are just my friend. I tried to tell myself that it is all for the best. I almost had myself fooled, but, like I said, I didn’t really understand.
I’m still not sure I do.
As I stare out my bedroom window, I see mum walk out into the yard. She’s known you would be leaving for ages, and she didn’t even know about the prophecy. She knew that you’d view Dumbledore’s death as the final straw. She knew it would drive you to desperation. It’s tough to put something by Molly Weasley.
The fact that Ron would be going with you, however, caught her a bit off guard. I listened to the argument Ron and Hermione presented to her. I heard her yelling, her forbidding, and her tears. In the end, I heard her relenting sobs and the silence of the embrace that intended to comfort, but seemed more like good-bye.
And now, I watch her collapse on the bench in the yard. I see her put her head in her hands as her shoulders shake with the silent cries she won’t let anyone hear.
Then, out of the darkness of the orchard, you approach her, put your arms around her, embrace her like the mother she’s become to you. I see the moonlight reflected in your tears.
The two of you sit there for a long time. I know that you are still uncomfortable being loved as one of her own children. I also know that you crave that love more than just about anything else in this world. I can hear the awkward tone of your voice as you try to comfort her. Knowing my mum, she won’t let you feel guilty. She’ll love you unconditionally and return your offered comfort one hundredfold.
After a long while, the two of you stand and walk into the kitchen, your arm around her shoulders, hers around your waist. I wish I could be so lucky.
Why are you spending all of your time comforting my mother and none of your time comforting me? Why, Harry? Why?
The tightness in my chest is suffocating me. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t even cry to ease the burning of my eyes, my throat, my heart. I have to get out of here. I just can’t take it anymore.
I stumble to my feet, grab the jumper off the back of my chair, and blindly make my way toward the door. Now that I’ve set my mind on getting out of the house, I can’t seem to make it happen fast enough. I throw the door open and practically sprint into the hall.
And run into something solid…something strong…something that smells like Quidditch on a crisp fall day.
We stand, frozen in the hall. Neither of us daring to do more than breathe, and I’m not even doing that well enough to keep myself from feeling dizzy and nauseous. I don’t dare meet your gaze, though I can feel your eyes willing me to look at you, to let you explain.
I finally remember my desperate flight to the outdoors and start to move away from you.
“Gin,” you say as you gently grab my arm to keep me from walking past.
“I can’t,” I whisper, shaking my head slowly, not moving my eyes from the floor. My throat is so tight I practically choke on the words.
“Ginny.” Your voice is anguished, but I still can’t meet your gaze.
After what seems like hours, you move around in front of me. You gently lift my chin with your hand. I bite my lower lip and squeeze my eyes shut as I try to contain the cry that is threatening to escape. I can’t look at you. I can’t…I just can’t.
Finally, you speak, “Ginny, please...” I can hear the tears in your voice. They are my undoing. I look up into your tear-stained face. The agony in your eyes is what finally loosens the knot surrounding my heart. I throw myself against your chest as the sobs that have been strangling me are finally released.
You hold me tightly, as though you fear I might slip away, and I feel your tears and your soft kisses land in my hair. After what seems like an eternity, I am able to regain my composure enough to pull away from you. Ever the gentleman, you conjure a handkerchief and offer it to me with that self-deprecating expression you wear when you are being noble.
I smile sadly, sniff, and roll my eyes at the gesture, but I take the handkerchief. You look startled as I use it to wipe your tears from your face. I can’t stand to see you cry. I would give anything to see you without that sad, haunted expression you’ve worn, even under your smiles, ever since I’ve known you.
That is when I realize. I would give anything to remove that expression from your eyes. Even if it means I have to let you go. I will give you this chance, this time, this risk so that you can live the rest of your life in peace. I will give you my brother, my best friend, and my faith that you will come back to me whole and ready for a chance at happiness.
I smile sadly and lean in to kiss your cheek. “I know,” I say as I stroke the hair off your forehead. The look in your eyes tells me that it’s all you needed to hear.
You pull me into another one of those kisses that makes me forget everything but you. You have to come back to me. You just have to.
As you break the kiss, the tightness around my heart returns, but I find it’s almost bearable now. I know you understand my heart and I hope that knowledge can help you meet your destiny. You smile gently and stroke my cheek before you turn and walk upstairs.
I finally understand.
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Reviews 18
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