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The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre
By Spenser Hemmingway

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Category: Alternate Universe, Angst Valentine Challenge (2006-1), Holidays
Characters:None
Genres: Fluff, Humor
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: PG
Reviews: 15
Summary: ** Honorable Mention in the Angst Valentine Challenge **
Sometimes you can be a little too fast on the draw...in more ways than one. Fortunately Harry has Ginny, good friends and a little guy with a sense of humor. Written for the Angst Valentine Challenge.
Hitcount: Story Total: 5493



Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.





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The Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre

By Spenser Hemmingway


“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
–Charles Schulz



Well…at least it had started out as a really, really nice morning. Classes had been suspended for the special day, and I knew that both Harry and Ron had plans with their respective ladies. I didn’t know if under her stern exterior Professor McGonagall had a soft romantic side, or if it was just the practical realization that no one was going to be getting much work done anyway.

Actually, my oatmeal had been lumpy at breakfast. That should have given me a warning. Ron and I were about to join Harry in the empty Arithmancy classroom when we saw him dart out the door with as anxious of a look as you could imagine on someone’s face.

“Ron, Spenser…help me quickly!” Harry yelled, “I think I may have accidentally killed him. Is that blood? Oh spilled ink. No wait, he has a pulse!” He was bending over a small figure, laid out on the classroom floor, curled up in a fetal position, and clearly having been hit hard by a strong stun bolt.

“Oh blast Harry! Is that who I think it is?” Ron yelled back, rushing over to help. He knelt down to check himself and confirmed that he was indeed alive. Taking his robe off, he placed it under the head.

“Ron, if it is… Oh great grief…what a day to zap him,” I said. I saw how Ron had a scared look on his face, and it wasn’t just out of concern for Harry’s victim. “What happened? He’s a little short to be a Death Eater don’t you think?”

“I was in here practicing the new Shockblast Spell Hermione found last week. I kept getting the wand motion wrong, and all I was getting was sparks and purple smoke.”

“Oy, is that what smells like moldy cheese?” Ron asked.

Ignoring him, Harry continued. “I thought I finally had it figured out when I heard…felt someone in the classroom with me. It was a fluttering sound. I turned and shot the bolt as I did. The spell worked this time. I didn’t realize it was so powerful.”

“It was an accident Harry,” I told him. With everything that had been happening over the course of the year, it was completely understandable that he had reacted the way he had. Knowing Harry though, he was going to be taking this extremely hard, especially in light of the bad timing.

“I should have had someone helping me with the spell, or at least looking over my shoulder. I should have known better after what I did to Malfoy with Snape’s spell last spring.”

“Come on mate, Spenser is right. We might have done the same thing,” Ron told him then. He was trying to force a smile to cheer Harry up, but it wasn’t working. “We need to get him to the infirmary. One thing is sure though–-you could have picked a better day to have this happen.”

Harry nodded, and then motioned for Ron and me to help him. The little guy actually weighed quite a bit for his size. We checked to ensure the corridor was empty, and then quickly made our way upstairs to Madame Pomfrey.

“Good heavens Mr. Potter! What has happened?” she asked. “Never mind. Bring him over here to the bed. Dear me! Dear me! I thought he was a myth. This is extremely serious Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley. Excuse me…Mr. Hemmingway, I believe Professor McGonagall mentioned to me that you and Miss Lovegood have detention today.”

“Feldercarb! I forgot!”

“Spense, what did you do?” Ron asked then. Harry and he both had puzzled looks on their faces.

“Guys, do you know what happens when you bottle homebrewed butterbeer before it’s ready? Well, Luna and I do now.”

“Oh no…” Harry and Ron said together.

“Yep. It took out the entire fifth floor storeroom we were using. We get to clean, repair, and repaint it today,” I told them.

“It sounds as if your Valentine’s Day is off to a brilliant start too,” Ron said.


*****



In reality, it wasn’t all that bad. Professors Flitwick and Marvel had each stopped by the room to check on our progress, and, dividing the few remaining butterbeer between them, they had made their visits short. No, they weren’t a bribe…geez!

We worked through dinner, pretty much out of touch with the rest of the school and the day’s celebrations. By the time we had finished, and the room had been inspected by the headmistress, we were both tired and dirty, but extremely satisfied with our work.

“Luna, you have paint on the end of your nose,” I told her, as we walked back toward the Gryffindor Tower that evening. It had really been a long, tiring day, and I was amazed at how Luna was in such high spirits about the whole messy project. I had already apologized to her several times for messing up her own Valentine’s Day, but every time I did she merely brushed it off and gave me a look of total amazement about what I was saying.

“Do I really? Hmm, well maybe I could find a clown suit to match it. I’ve always thought I would do well in the circus.”

“The circus?”

“Oh yes. I once asked Daddy if he would purchase a lion for me, so I could practice taming it. I was very disappointed when he said no.”

“Imagine that.”

“Yes, he only agreed to rent one for me. It was very exciting. His name was Clarence, and he was cross-eyed.”

“Huh? Oh hey, Harry, Ron…what’s up? How is the little guy?” I asked them. The two were sitting against the wall just outside the tower entrance. They looked as if Quidditch had been replaced with full-contact miniature golf as the school sport. Harry looked especially bad, and Ron’s expression showed both concern for our friend and complete exasperation about something I obviously didn’t know about. At first neither looked as if they had heard me.

“We really did it this time Spense,” Ron finally said. He didn’t look up at us. “Harry blew up at my sis when she tried to find out what was wrong, and then Hermione and I went at it when we both took sides.”

“Do they know about…?”

“No…no we didn’t tell them what I did. Madame Pomfrey says he’ll be fine in a couple days. I am such an idiot. Professor McGonagall took fifty points from Gryffindor, and I have three days of detention starting next week,” Harry finally said. He continued to just stare off into space.

“Harry…” I started to say.

“No Spenser…please. I don’t need any of your so called homespun wisdom right now.”

“Well you’re going to get it anyway. Do I need to get a Muggle dictionary and open it to the word accident?”

“How about careless? What about negligent?” he answered back, his voice rising. “What if it had been an even more powerful spell? What if it had hit one of you…or Ginny?” After another moment, he stood up away from the wall and gave the fat lady the new password. “Antidisestablishmentarianism. I’m going to bed. This has been a wonderful Valentine’s Day. One to remember.”

We followed him into the Common Room, and I saw there were a number of girls gathered together around the fireplace, including Ginny, Hermione, and Kitty Fletcher from Luna’s Ravenclaw house. None of them had a bright cheery look on their face. In fact, if looks could kill…well Harry, Ron, and I would be gargling formaldehyde right then.

We carefully made our way across the now quiet room to the staircase. I saw how Ron gave Hermione a quick apologetic look, which she ignored. Harry didn’t meet Ginny’s eyes, and she didn’t look his way either. Something bad had happened that day I decided, and I didn’t think it was simply because of a certain someone’s absence. I wondered if I could make things right. I was too much of a hopeless romantic not to try.

“Uh, Luna…why don’t you come upstairs for a second, so I can get you a wet washrag for your nose. You really had a rented lion?”

“Yes Spenser, from a a second-hand lion store.”


*****



“That Spenser is certainly a mystery. I couldn’t believe he was talking to Loony. She is such a…” The Gryffindor fourth-year stopped in mid-sentence, finding herself looking down Ginny’s wand. Hermione and Kitty’s expressions left her with no doubt that they didn’t appreciate the comment either. The girl carefully backed away, and then rushed upstairs to her dormitory.

“You should have hexed her,” Hermione said, surprising her friend. “After the way today has gone, it might have made all of us feel better.”

“It hasn’t been much of a Valentine’s Day, has it? I had plans for a wonderful picnic with Harry in the Astronomy Tower. I’ve been planning it for weeks. Dobby was going to get me some cold chicken and a moonberry pie. I…I don’t know what was wrong with Harry this morning. We had talked about it…planned it,” Ginny told her friends. Her voice was full of emotion, and she was fiercely trying not to break down in front of the others.

Luna joined them then, and her upbeat mood seemed to irk several of the girls. Hermione and Ginny, who knew her best, couldn’t be upset with the Witch’s good spirits. They merely accepted the fact that someone had managed to have a wonderful day.

“You seem to be in a great humor Luna,” Hermione carefully ventured. The other girls continued to give her a harsh look. “I take it that you had a pleasant day.”

“Yes…yes I did. We scrubbed floors, patched walls, and then we painted the room a wonderful shade of magenta. We had to tote out several buckets of spoiled butterbeer as well. The smell was horrendous. It was such a marvelous punishment. Did everyone else have a good Valentine’s Day with your favorite Wizards?”

“I thought you and Neville Longbottom were still angry with each other,” Parvati asked.

Ginny and Hermione both saw a hurt look flash in Luna’s eyes, but her smile never faltered. “Neville and I are still friends, but he needs to remember we are. I’m not interested in him that way regardless. I don’t think my crush on him lasted more than two weeks, and that was last year. I’m interested in someone else now.”

“Really…?” Parvati started to say.

“Um…Ron and I had a plan to take a walk by the lake tonight. I wanted to show him the picture I had taken of us at Christmas,” Hermione quickly put out trying to spare Luna from any embarrassing probing. “I wanted to take my telescope with us and watch the moon rise. It is so rare to have such a beautiful evening in February. I wanted to… Oh blast, what is going on with Harry and Ron today?”

“I don’t know,” Ginny said, “but it must be something serious. Harry is holding something back. I…I thought he and I were past this. This morning though…I have no idea what he was thinking. I need to speak with him. I just…”

“It will be all right Ginny. You two will resolve everything. I know you will,” Kitty said. “I wanted something nice this afternoon with Brandon, but he didn’t even notice what today was. I had an idea about the two of us curled up in front of the Ravenclaw fire, taking turns reading books to each other. Yes, I know it doesn’t sound terribly romantic, but it really is with him. He just, didn’t even remember that we had talked about it. He spent the afternoon with Hagrid and his beasts. He forgot about me completely.”

“It really will be fine Kitty,” Parvati said in a surprisingly sympathetic voice. She shifted on the sofa to face the other girl. “Justin did remember Valentine’s Day. He brought me flowers, and he told me how pretty I was. Then he proceeded to go and do the same for four other girls. He told me he wanted to serenade me this evening. The five of us cornered him in the Transfiguration classroom and shoved his ukulele…”

“Parvati…this is a family story!” Ginny quickly called out at her.

“Oh…right. Sorry,” she said then, clearly self-conscious about her near slip. Everyone took a quick, nervous glance around the Common Room.

Hermione decided that she needed to lighten the mood as best she could. “So, I guess it hasn’t been the best of Valentine’s Days. I suppose we can’t always have an ideal romantic day.”

“The perfect day for me would be to fly my broom with him up into the mountains. We could play dodge with the clouds, and then find a place where no one has ever been. We wouldn’t have to do much more. We could talk, and laugh, and tell each other all the things in our heads that we want to say and can only say to each other. At the end of the day, we could race the moon on our brooms again on our way home. When it was time to say goodnight, he would kiss me, and it…it would be very nice.”

Everyone was quiet at Luna’s words. The Witch’s dream day was as wonderful as it was completely unexpected. No one had known that she had those feelings for anyone.

“Luna, is this someone we know? I didn’t know you were dating anyone since your fight with Neville,” Ginny asked her friend, clearly puzzled at this revelation.

“I’m not really. He doesn’t know, and I can’t tell him. He is extremely dense, and I don’t think that hitting him with a shovel will work,” Luna said then. She saw Hermione blush at the last reference. She had accidentally hit Ron with a gardening shovel when he surprised her at her home the previous summer. He had then proceeded to finally tell Hermione he loved her. The memory evoked strong emotions in the girl suddenly.

“Luna, I think that you need to let him know. If he really is as dense as you say, then maybe you need to resort to some extreme measures,” Parvati said. Ginny and Hermione both cringed at her suggestion, knowing how Luna would take such a suggestion to an extreme.

“I agree,” another girl said. “Dump some cold water over his head or give him a good swift kick in the rear.”

Luna was actually considering what she heard. She had a serious look on her face, and Ginny and Hermione were becoming desperate to stop what was happening in front of them.

“Luna, I…” Ginny started to say.

“Thank you…thank you very much. I know exactly what I’m going to do.”

“Luna…no,” Hermione added.

“No…no, it’s quite all right. I know just what I can do to get his attention,” Luna added.

“Luna!” Ginny and Hermione said together in a loud voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry, just look at the time. I better get back to Ravenclaw before our curfew. Good night,” Luna said, giving Ginny, Hermione, and Kitty quick hugs, and then quickly darting out the Gryffindor portal.


*****



Ginny couldn’t sleep. She knew Harry was holding back some secret from her. She was absolutely certain about it. The two had become so close over time that they were almost of one mind. Ginny felt Harry’s uncertainty, indecision…pain. It was almost as it had been the previous spring when he had tried to push her and everyone out of his life. Harry had finally been convinced that he was stronger with his friends…his family. She had to speak with him immediately to find out what had happened the day before to cause such a reverse in him.

Careful not to wake her roommates, Ginny pulled herself out of bed and donned her robe and slippers. She desperately hoped someone was still awake, down in the Common Room, and could bring Harry downstairs to talk to her. Fortunately, there was. Unfortunately, it was me.

“Hello Spenser. Why are you still awake?”

“I could ask you the same question. No, I guess it’s pretty obvious why you are…Harry. He’s wide awake and pacing around upstairs. Yes, I’ll go get him in a minute, but I want to talk to you first. Ginny, Harry is one of the most intense people I’ve ever met…in a good way I suppose. The guy is so noble that it’s almost legendary. It’s going to be fun when we finally write his life story.

“Ginny, there was an accident early this morning. By accident I do mean accident too. Harry…sort of…well…messed up Valentine’s Day.”

“What? What happened?”

“I shot Cupid with a heavy stun spell,” Harry said, surprising us both as he stepped out of the shadows.

“You stunned who? Cupid?

“Yeah Ginny, he does exist,” I told her. Her eyes were wide, and I could see that now that she knew, Harry’s expression had turned to one of mild submission. He was fully expecting what he thought was going to be an angry reaction from her.

“Ginny…”

“Harry did you intentionally set out to hurt him?” she asked.

“No…I reacted, and accidentally threw the spell at him.”

“Are you planning on making a habit of this?”

“Huh?”

“Are you suddenly some form of perfect deity?”

What? No of course not…”

“Is Cupid going to die?”

“No…no he isn’t. He will be fine Ginny…”

“Enough! Harry, you git. Next time if you are going to upset my Valentine’s Day, could you do it for a bit more substantial reason?” Ginny was crying now, but there was still a fierce tone to her voice.

“Ginny, I wrecked everyone’s Valentine’s Day. I put Cupid in the infirmary.”

“Harry James Potter, if you think that some little cherub in a diaper and brandishing a bow and arrows is why I love you then…then you are as dense as Spenser.”

“Hey!”

“Shut up Spenser,” they both said together.

They stared into each other’s eyes without moving, and I was starting to inch myself away from them, realizing how I was intruding. At the foot of the stairs I stopped when I saw that the two of them were still just standing there, still not moving…still not doing anything. When all else fails, evoke tradition.

“Don’t just stand there Harry. Kiss her you flippin’ idiot!”


*****



Saturday morning found me in the Common Room nursing a very good cup of hot coffee. I had been up late, first helping Ron escort Cupid to better quarters, and then standing between Hermione and him during what had to be the worst fight I had ever witnessed. It all ended up well. Both of them could be pearl divers, being able to hold their breath so long through that particular kiss.

Cupid was actually a pretty great guy, and he had spent well over an hour with us discussing what had happened. The little fellow had a sense of humor (fortunately), and he explained that what had occurred had over time become more the rule than the exception, and understandably so. He just had to be more careful when he surprised people.

The bottom line, and Cupid will back me up on this, Valentine’s Day was ruled by something more than the arrows he shot. At best, those were just nudges, and had nothing to do with such things as love potions. If the day had been a little disappointing, it was due to misfortune and misunderstandings; emphasis on the latter. Kitty Fletcher was very forgiving, for example, when she found out that Brandon Llewellyn had been helping Hagrid with a very difficult delivery of a unicorn colt that day.

I knew Harry had had a hard time of it, but Ginny had been there for him throughout the whole thing. That was what the day was about. No, that was what the rest of their lives together would be about.

I needed some more coffee. I got up and went over to the pot brewing on the fire. I guess I didn’t notice when Luna came in, crossed the room, and went up the stairs to the boys’ dormitory. I had plopped back down in my chair and was savoring the aroma of the Burundian highland dark-roast. The toadies are a great pain, I understood, but their coffee is magnificent.

Ten minutes later she came back down, and, as luck would have it, that was just when I stood up for another refill. She was rushing back down the stairs, and ran right into me, almost knocking me down.

“Luna, what are you doing here? What are you doing here in a bathrobe and slippers? What were you doing upstairs?”

I have never before, and never since, seen Luna Lovegood embarrassed that way about anything. Seeing me somehow surprised the feather-fluff out of her. After the count of ten (give or take a sip of coffee) she drew herself up to full height and started to stare me down. She rearranged her robe, and I suddenly realized somehow that she didn’t have anything on underneath. All at once I was extremely upset.

“What in the name of Ferdinand the Flaky were you doing upstairs just now young lady. I’m…you…I’m going to… who were… Feldercarb!

Luna’s expression started to change…very slowly.

“I was upstairs, dancing on my new boyfriend’s bed…starkers,” Luna told me. She lifted her chin up into the air as if she was either proud of the fact, or rather defiant about it.

“You did not! What were you doing? Luna, you’re my best friend. Why would you do that? Wait…wait who was it? What do you want?”

“A card…a smile…a hug…maybe proof that I’m a girl.” She walked out of the portal then, leaving me totally at sea. A moment later Seamus came walking down the stairs, grinning like… I punched him full-force in the face, knocking him across the room.


*****



The girls got their second chances. At Cupid’s suggestion, Ron had arranged to have roses in Hermione’s room when she awoke…a whole bunch of roses. Harry and Ginny had taken off on their brooms at daybreak, evidently following up on an idea Luna had given them. They were last seen doing tail rolls in the direction of Storm Mountain. Kitty and Brandon…well they didn’t get much reading done after all.

The night sky that Saturday was as nice as it had been on Valentine’s Day. It was an extremely rare occasion that allowed the of-age students to remain in Hogsmeade after dark–-a fact not lost with four certain students. Of course, they also noticed more than a few chaperones observing them there.

Harry had excused himself, moving to a back table with Ginny, which was entirely acceptable to Ron and Hermione at the time. Both couples were surprised when Hagrid presented them each with a very small bottle of wine, and the admonition that it was a special occasion, and they should take their time sipping it.

“Ginny, I think this is where I’m supposed to tell you all of these romantic things–-to tell you how much I care for…”

“Harry, could you shut up for ten seconds?”

Harry slowly rose out of his chair, stepped over, and softly took hold of Ginny’s shoulders. Unfortunately, in his haste to kiss her, their two hit heads…hard. It was very dramatic, romantic, and more than a bit painful to watch.

“Harry…um…you missed my lips by a kilometer. I think…mmm.”

“I see that I was wasting my time with you this year,” someone said.

Harry and Ginny broke apart, a little embarrassed, but even more curious. It was Cupid, but now in a gray, three-piece Muggle suit, and brandishing a large brandy in his right hand.

“Oh…um…Ginny this is…”

“You can call me Dan. Harry, I forgot to tell you why I surprised you the one morning in the classroom.” He could see that Harry was indeed curious. “I wanted to speak to you… Well youngling, there are a lot of things in the world that are absolutely canon in romance. You and this young lady seem to be one of them. Please don’t tell them yet, but Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger are as well. There are a few others you know, but that is another story.

“Wait a moment, are you saying there are several of us that you’ve shot with your arrows already?” Ginny asked.

Oh yes, a whole bunch of your friends have gotten a nudge from my arrows,” Cupid said. It took six shots in the chest to get your Mr. Hagrid started with Madam Maxine a few years ago.”

That comment evoked raised eyebrows from both of them. Harry had to think about the whole situation for a moment. Something still worried him.

“Mr. Cupid…Dan, I really did almost kill you. I still can’t believe you aren’t angry about it. You know what would happen if you were gone?”

“Almost nothing, Harry. Do you know the difference between Valentine’s Day romance and real love? Yes, you do, and that’s why I came to see you tonight. Love isn’t roses and candy and moonlit walks. Those things are wonderful yes, but true love is the rock-steady, walk through fire, grow old together part of your relationship. It’s the thing that you are going to need to defeat Voldemort. It’s what is going to get you through days like this past holiday and so many other challenges ahead. I really envy you.”

“What?”

“Harry, as far as I’m concerned you aren’t going to need my services ever.”


*****



It was close to seven o’clock when the four of them returned to the tower. I was plopped down in one of the overstuffed chairs, nursing a black eye, and trying not to get upset with a smiling Luna sitting on the ottoman.

“Spenser, why do why a pork chop over your left eye?” Hermione asked. She had her typical exasperated look on her face, but the others were simply grinning at my misfortune.

“Because Dobby wouldn’t let me waste a good beef steak on it,” I answered.

“Spenser tried to hit most of the boys in Gryffindor before I convinced him that I really didn’t dance starkers on someone’s bed. There was no one in the bedroom with me, and I kept my robe on the whole time. I just wanted people to think I had done it to get someone’s attention.”

“Yeah, well next time you decide to find a new boyfriend, could you just do something a bit more subtle like just stapling a love note to his forehead? I’ve been apologizing to people all afternoon,” I told her then. Everyone seemed to be amused at my story. Okay…I guess I thought it was funny too. “I take it everyone had a good time in Hogsmeade.”

“Yes, we did,” Harry said smiling and holding Ginny in close. “We had a nice chat with Dan Cupid as well.”

“He said he was going to look you up when he came by earlier. He left something for you.” I reached under the chair, pulled out a two-foot mahogany bow, and handed it to Harry. “He asked me to give this to you, and to tell you he’s had Gryffindor’s points restored and your detention dropped.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Harry, if you turned around, and came face-to-face with a stranger who had an arrow pulled back and pointed at you, what would you do?” I asked him.

“I would…hold on. Is that what happened? I don’t remember a bow and arrow.”

“Of course not,” I told him. “That’s part of the magic. No one realizes or remembers being shot by Cupid.”

“And he realized he didn’t need to bother with Ginny and me. That’s what he was trying to tell us tonight.”

With that Harry proceeded to deliver a wonderful kiss to Ginny–-the type that hopelessly romantic writers include in their Valentine’s Day stories.

Mischief managed!
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