Search:

SIYE Time:9:21 on 27th July 2021


Reviewer: Yunchao Signed Date: 2010.07.14 - 01:37AM Title: 2: Of Love and War, Where Naught Is Fair: Part 1, Love

Good job! I think this story is off to a great start and you can definitely develop it into a great one. What I liked best about it was the real heart to heart talk that Ginny and Harry had in the first chapter. You described the insecurities that someone would have about revealing their true feelings towards another very well. It really gave a sense that Ginny was very apprehensive of how Harry would react if she told him right then and there that she loved him. Well done. I've just read this story for judging. Thanks for writing!

Author's Response: Wow, thanks, I'm glad you liked that. I kind of felt that was a really weak point in the story. It just seemed like all the text was redundant and I didn't get my point off effeciantly. Actually, I don't know if I did execute the idea perfectly even by the end, but i certainly went over it enough. Anyway, I'm very glad you liked that. The first chapter is always critical to any story. Hopefully you also liked the character of Lily. She's probably a bit oc, but I like her, and she was a lot of fun. I felt I needed to lighten the story up after teh very serious start to chapter one. One thing that bothers me though is that I can't stop Lily from saying "dear" all the time, and I feel that really isn't her, either in the books or in this story. But, it just constantly comes out in the story, I think i need a different form of endearment for Ginny, a nickname Lily uses that works. I'll have to think on it. I hope you keep reading now that the challange is over. Thanks for your work and your time. Ran



Reviewer: Lord Dreadnault Signed Date: 2010.07.07 - 09:59PM Title: Of Love and War, Where Naught is Fair (War)

starstarstarstarstar

(Judged for challenge.) You have a very interesting and personable writing voice. Good luck. :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much, that is a high compliment. I don't think it had much chance in the challange though, not without chapter 3, I was just beginning to address the points in the challenge in the first two. I'd hoped the 3 chapter, although posted a few hours past midnight EST, might have been included in the judging as nothing on the site said the challange had closed yet, but, judging by the 2 weeks plus to be validated, that was not the case for the judging. The story as far as the challange goes will be complete in another few chapters, although I am tempted to continue it on for a longer time in terms of the plot. That might be writers empty nest syndrome, a certain killer for creativity. Thank you for taking the time to judge all these stories. Now that the challange is over, I'll have to read them all. Didn't want to do that while it was going on, had to make sure my ideas stayed my own, and were not those that belonged in a different story.



Reviewer: MayugeSeishou Signed Date: 2010.07.02 - 09:46AM Title: 2: Of Love and War, Where Naught Is Fair: Part 1, Love

starstarstarstar

I think it's brilliant that you have Lily teach Ginny the Bat-Bogey Hex!! "A girl’s got to get noticed, after all" !

Again, you have a lovely way of painting images with your phrasing and style and I like the way you expressed Ginny's transition from, essentially, "what the hell?" to "I like this, let's go!" with Lily's presence and guidance; you gave her a realistic sense of caution that lasted a good amount of time. Ah, the normal trepidations that come along when your "long time oblivious crush’s dead mother" appears in your head, you know? ;-)

Can't wait for chapter 3!

--
Grammar points:

The second question though...Is your togetherness important enough to sacrifice some of the things that you enjoy(?).”

Author's Response: Yeah, there are certainly some grammar issues that still need to be worked on probably. I keep finding new ones. Although, also, I'm pretty sure some text went missing some how, that or i had a major major rammar and story telling issue in chapter two. I've fixed it, but I need to review and read teh chapters as they've been posted to see if the problems were just in my document or if they were really there all along. Chapter 4 is coming very slowly, although I have many ideas, and some written text for chapters five and if applicable 6. Thanks!



Reviewer: DukeBrymin Signed Date: 2010.06.30 - 01:29PM Title: 2: Of Love and War, Where Naught Is Fair: Part 1, Love

starstarstarstarstar

Bwahahaha! I love the idea of Lily Potter as an older sister to Ginny, teaching her to hex and love with equal abandon.

Author's Response: Thanks!!! Thanks a lot, thats what I wanted to go for. I think its even more blatant in the next chapter. Lily is probably a bit out of character, but she dead, a newly wed, and has to live vicariously. Plus, the story was just to heavy at first, needed some humour. And, well, who knows, maybe Lily Potter was like that, and we just never got to see. Anyway, like I said, hope you still like her after chapter 3, cause chapter 3 was very much writen in that vein. Keep reading please!



Reviewer: DukeBrymin Signed Date: 2010.06.30 - 01:14PM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

You might want to re-check chapter 1. Looks like part of it got included twice.

Author's Response: Will do, thanks!

Author's Response: You're absolutely right. I don't know how that happened, but as the paragraphs seem to have also excaped teh editing I performed, it may have somehow happened when I tried to edit it earlier this week, I'll replace the whole text with my word file. Hopefully that will render it fised.



Reviewer: Comet Moon Signed Date: 2010.06.29 - 10:03AM Title: 2: Of Love and War, Where Naught Is Fair: Part 1, Love

starstarstarstarhalf-star

Two of them together.

Oh, the Humanity of it.

Hope the world survives


Ja ne

Jim

Author's Response: Eh, making sure the world survives is Harry's job. Lily and Ginny just have to make sure he does. Good luck Harry, you'll need it! Also, do you speak Japanese? Is that what the Ja ne, is about? I've studied for about 2 years now, and am starting and internship here in Nihon in a few weeks. At the books still at the moment, when I haven't been writing like crazy to try and get this done for the challange. n Anyway, thanks for reading! Wait, was that a haiku? Its close to the usual 5-7-5, though thats not really a strict rule..



Reviewer: MayugeSeishou Signed Date: 2010.06.26 - 10:52PM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

starstarstarstar

Applause for the beautiful phrasing and imagery.
I enjoy the way you write Ginny; you definitely know her as a character and because of that you can push her to a more human level, against just conforming to the "expected" list of character traits.

Looking foreword to the next chapters (and the introduction of Luna)!
Best of luck with the challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks a lot, that review is really really flattering. I appreciate it. Keep reading please!



Reviewer: DukeBrymin Signed Date: 2010.06.21 - 01:21PM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

starstarstarstar

Very sweet--I like the setting of this during fifth year, and the insight into Ginny's emotions.

Aside from some minor typos, the problem I have with this chapter is how long the paragraphs are. You might try breaking the text up a little more--paragraphs that long are somewhat offputting to readers.

Thanks!

Author's Response: Hmmm, you're right about the paragraphs, they do need to be broken up. The information is dense. I left writing fiction and poetry almost completely after highschool. Some very emotional times left me feeling forever unsatisfied with trying to write in the manner I once had, and I still certainly don't feel as if I've ever recovered as a writer. Honestly, I'm never hapy with my work, but its time to start practicing again. Anyway, the point I was getting to, is that the paragraphs probably reflect trying to cram a lot of factual information and persuasion in essays and research papers. I need to get away from that, but it will take practice. Believe it or not, I did actually edit this chapter a bit, so at least the paragraphs aren't so full of confusing run on sentences anymore. My grammar tends to be overly complex. As for the setting, I fear you may be disappointed on that front. The time flow for the next bit of the story will be rapid, and move quickly into the sixth year. As the next chapter will be up soon, I don't think that is revealing too much. I may just ditch my school work and do that now actually. I just finished a fan-TASTiC fic by hgfan1111. She's a great writer, and her skills in this paticular piece, (Away From the Sun) are prodigious. Most intricate and well executed plot I think I've ever read, although the beginning is frustrating, especially since I prefer storys of justice and nobility to darkness. Anyway, thanks for your comments and review, you're not the only one to point out the paragraph issue. Hopefully I'll get to reworking it soon, to break them down.



Reviewer: cwarbeck Signed Date: 2010.06.21 - 08:56AM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

I think you're off to a good start here, however, if I may offer some constructive criticism...

It's very difficult to read your story simply because of the sheer bulk of each individual paragraph, especially the early ones. Many readers become overwhelmed by the amount of words that they have to slog through, and many will give up after about the fifth sentence. It's a good idea to break up your paragraphs into manageable lengths, something that is easier to read.

A good rule of thumb would be to keep each paragraph to a maximum length of about 5-6 sentences. Of course, each change of speaker requires a change of paragraph, but even if it's still one person speaking throughout the entire chapter, you still need to make sure you're making it easy for the reader to get through your story.

Good luck in the challenge!

Author's Response: Thanks, and yeah I totally agree with you about the length and depth of the paragraphs. The trouble is, when I wrote them a lot of them were only a few sentences originally. I haven't written anything non academic in so long, I really struggled with the length of my sentences and punctuation on this. I really think I had too many commas in there too, although I went back and edited a lot of them out and broke longer more confusing run on sentences down. But, you're totally correct on this. Its very dense, and maybe a bit repetitive in the imagery and in the content of their discussions, but I really wanted to set up and establish this idea correctly. Perhaps I just tried too hard on that front. I'll try to keep this next chapter lighter, but, as you say, the first few paragraphs of the first chapter are critical. I'll just have to get used to writing fictional set up instead of theses. I usually sturggle with the beginning of longer papers too though. My thesis for my last research paper didn't pop up properly till the start of the second page. Course, it was a 20 page paper, so thats not so bad, but still. I may try and go back and edit some. I already have to edit the story, as I accidently made it a G rating, and I had a typo in the chapter when I wrote her instead of him. I'll have to try and pare the words down too. Especially since for challange stories they ask them not to be over 10k words, and I might be pushing that. Its right over 2.5 k now.

Author's Response: Also, thanks so much for the insighful review, you have some really great writing on here, and I really enjoy reading a lot of your stuff. It's great to see you review insightfully as well.



Reviewer: Comet Moon Signed Date: 2010.06.21 - 12:27AM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

starstarstarstarhalf-star

Meet the Potter coming up

LFTM


Ja ne

Jim

Author's Response: LFTM? Also, 日本語を話 しますか? すごい!And, yep, Meet the Potter is next. I'm excited, I just need to find time to get around to the other 3 chapters or so. I haven't planned the chapter lengths out completely, though I do have the start of the next one and a basic outline for chapter two and beyond. We'll see how it comes. I might need to steal a copy of books 5 and 6 somewhere, I only brought the first two with me. I'll try and write the next chapter's start tonight, though I'm juggling a lot rightnow. it's going to be hard for me to get it all in in time for the deadline period. Especially if I don't write the next chapter tonight. Also, I somehow rated this story G. I could have sworn I left a PG rating. I don't have any plans for higher than that, but depending it could even be a PG-13. We'll see where Ginny takes this.



Reviewer: hpf2114 Signed Date: 2010.06.20 - 11:55PM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

starstarstarstarstar

No Review

Author's Response: Thanks, I don't know if it quite deserves 10 stars yet, but I'll try and keep it up to snuff with this next chapter since you liked it so much. I was a bit frustrated with how wordy it could be, but didn't see anythign i could take out. Anyway, I'm glad to know people have already read it. reader's treat you well on this site I guess. Thanks, the vibes from there reviews might keep me awake long enough to write the beginning of the next chapter.



Reviewer: freshwater Signed Date: 2010.06.20 - 12:31PM Title: Of What Dreams Are Made Of

starstarstarstar

Very nicely done! I love the notion of Harry's words prying the lid off of Ginny's deepest secrets. You use some lovely and unsualy descriptions that are surprisingly effective. I hope there is more to this story....?

One possible error: " He smiled wryly, but there was still something there in her gaze, a sort of hungry look. It tore the rest of her secret box open..." .....don't you mean "in his gazed"?

Author's Response: Thank you, and yes, yes I did mean that. I try for good visual images. I think I found strange and surprising vocabulary this time. It might be because I'm in Japan at the moment, and my mind isn't dominated by the usual words we use 18 times a day. I will fix that though. That and go back over the paragraphs and wording if I get time. I'm so overwhelmed right now with an online course I have, Japanese classes, and trying to spend time with all the friends that will be leaving Japan soon. There are so many that end their stay here in May. I deperately need internet at my apartment. I'm paying too much to stay at a net cafe right now, and I"m so tired I just want to pass out here in this nice reclining chair. Thank you again though for your words. Also, I really like your user name. I love nature imagery. Mine translates directly to Blue winds and Green Rains from Japanese. I always seem to tie in wind, rain, autumn, water or mountains into my screen names, usually with blue or green involved. I kind of thought i was getting wordy adn repetitive at some points. If this was professional I might have tore it down and rewrote more of it. I spent a bit too much time in her head I think. Oh well, as they say here in Nihon, daijobu.




../back
! Go To Top !

Sink Into Your Eyes is hosted by Computer Partners. HARRY POTTER, characters, names and related characters are trademarks of Warner Bros. TM & 2001-2006. Harry Potter Publishing Rights J.K.R. Note the opinions on this site are those made by the owners. All stories(fanfiction) are owned by the author and are subject to copyright law under transformative use. Authors on this site take no compensation for their works. This site 2003-2006 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Special thanks to: Aredhel, Kaz, Michelle, and Jeco for all the hard work on SIYE 1.0 and to Marta for the wonderful artwork.
Featured Artwork © 2003-2006 by Yethro.
Design and code 2006 by SteveD3(AdminQ)
Additional coding 2008 by melkior and Bear