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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Horcrux
By Spenser Hemmingway

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Category: Alternate Universe, Post-HBP, Open House Challenge (2006-2)
Characters:Harry/Ginny, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Luna Lovegood, Minerva McGonagall, Minerva McGonagall, Ron Weasley, Ron Weasley
Genres: Action/Adventure, Humor
Warnings: None
Story is Complete
Rating: PG
Reviews: 24
Summary: ** Honorable Mention in the Open House Challenge **
"Overture! Curtain..lights!" Whether they want it or not, Harry, Ginny and friends have a little project with which to contend before they can resume their latest search. "On with the show...this is it!"
Hitcount: Story Total: 5843



Disclaimer: Harry Potter Publishing Rights © J.K.R. Note the opinions in this story are my own and in no way represent the owners of this site. This story subject to copyright law under transformative use. No compensation is made for this work.





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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Horcrux

By Spenser Hemmingway


"Proud and insolent youth," said Hook, "prepare to meet thy doom."

"Dark and sinister man," Peter answered, "have at thee."

–J. M. Barrie, Peter Pan



“Ron…can you hear me? Say something please,” Hermione asked.

“Mmghr! Ug gnl klm!”

“Oh Ronald…of course you aren’t going to kill him. As much of a clumsy oaf as Spenser is…”

“Lmvbm, kvdforch klmb ump tis srse!!”

“Ronald Weasley…I most certainly will not tell him to do that. I do not use such foul language, and neither should you! There are children reading this story. Besides which, that…that’s physically impossible!

“What…? Hermione! Hey, wait a minute, you understand him?” I asked her, totally perplexed.

“As I was about to say…what happened was clearly an accident. It could have just as easily been him that fell down that mine shaft. He walked across that old planking before you did,” she finished.

“Hrgrs mnd ra lerst tmb. Hlga sghjit drble telnj culst. Ug gnl klm! Ug swrlwl!”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. It was only a sixty foot drop,” Hermione scolded. Her expression was one of sincere concern, but we could see that she was trying to suppress a smile at his appearance as well. “Honestly Ron, Madame Pomfrey said that you would be out of the full-body cast in another forty-eight hours.”

“I am sorry Ron, and I did try to catch you,” I told him.

“Yll trg t pdst mr! Whs hdy?”

“What?” Luna and I said together.

“He did not push you Ron! Spenser is a good, honorable person. He wouldn’t do such a thing,” Hermione forced herself to say. During the months that she had known me, we had only built a hesitant friendship…at least it had been for her. She just couldn’t decide if she liked me or not, and I had to admit that a big part of it was the stories that I wrote.

I was aware of her feelings, but I didn’t push the matter in case things between us deteriorated even further. I was surprised at her support just then however, and I was actually at a loss for words. It had really been an accident when Ron fell, but that did not stop me from feeling a little guilty about the whole thing.

Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, and I had gone to the mine in the belief that another Horcrux was located there. The diggings had been vast and extremely old, and despite the source of the evidence that led us there, everyone, including Hermione, had felt very optimistic about finding something.

Two days earlier, she had brought out a foot-high tome titled A Short History of Viking Elves. She could not hide her frustration when I jotted down a quick note about the title as compared to its size. The book told of Oswald the Ordinary who in 1220 raided a small castle near the quiet village of New South Pigspuddle. Hermione had her wand out and pointed at my face when I began to ask if there was an Olde North Pigspuddle.

The book explained that during that particular foray a number of particularly precious items had been taken. These included such things as Arthur’s crown, Merlin’s night lamp, the Golden Cabbage of Hibernia…and certain artifacts from the House of Godric Gryffindor. The text further indicated that several of these treasures had been found during the excavation of another castle in the 1950’s.

Hermione then produced two extremely interesting news articles. One from the Daily Prophet told of the theft of those same artifacts from a small private museum in Kent the year before. What really got everyone’s attention however was a Quibbler editorial accusing the Ministry of covering up Death Eater activity in the same vicinity. It particularly referred to an ancient rhinestone mine that had once been owned by Sir Snidely Whipperwool. The gentleman was currently enjoying an extended vacation in a luxury suite at Azkaban. His cell reportedly had an excellent view of the prison’s extensive compost heap. He had also been one of the Dark lord’s most loyal subjects. The coincidence just screamed at all of us.

The questions were: could Voldemort have had the treasures stolen from the museum, could they have been secreted in Whipperwool’s mine ,and could a Horcrux related to Gryffindor be found among them?

“Mgl frmpt hdts crnnifern prstic?”

“Madame Pomfrey…where is she? Will someone please, please rearrange the bandages around Ron’s mouth. Hold on…what am I saying?” I asked.

“Ron…Harry and Ginny are with Professor McGonagall trying to explain all of this,” Hermione said. We just stared at her.

“Fdlemumf grtstic prsfl styrfed!”

“Very well Ron, we will bring Luna with us if we go back. She seems to be a calming influence on Spenser, even if her new boyfriends keep giving him black eyes,” she said.

“They are not her new boyfriends. I just had a couple little misunderstandings with some guys that I thought were…well, trying to steal Neville’s girl. He can’t stay mad at her forever…can he?”

“Spenser…” Luna began.

“Yrvel crsthtl pr mstl dnz crtltn rv evrt mtyt!”

“Oh no!” Hermione blurted out

“What did he say?” we asked then.

“He said that he has a very bad itch!”


*****



Harry had lost track of how many times he had visited Professor McGonagall’s office over the past school year. He had initially been very pleased at how little change she had integrated into the room, but today all he could think of was his old friend and headmaster. He took Ginny’s hand, both for her support and affection, and to make a point to their headmistress.

“Mr. Potter, I allow you…all of you, a great deal of freedom of movement now. This however is an extremely serious matter. Mr. Weasley was badly injured when you left the school grounds last night. The entire school knows that he is in the infirmary. Furthermore, you chose to take Miss Weasley with you. This is entirely outside of the terms of our agreement.”

“Our agreement Professor is that we would only return to Hogwarts this year if we would be permitted that freedom of movement. The Ministry, the Order, our friends…everyone continues to insist that they can invite themselves into our affairs.” Harry’s voice was rising despite his efforts to calm himself. “This is our fight as much as theirs, and, in many ways, even more so. I’m sorry…but there are going to be times when we are going to have to ask you to trust us.”

“I do trust you, and not just because Professor Dumbledore asked me to do so in his final letter. The Weasleys have also reiterated their unqualified faith in you. I will say, however, that I continue to be hesitant about the professor’s and your insistence that the Horcruxes remain a secret. I understand that even Mr. Hemmingway and Miss Lovegood are aware of them.”

That same letter from Dumbledore had revealed to his successor the existence of the magical devices. The charm on it permitted only her to read it, and it had burst into flame once she had finished. Unfortunately, she had placed it in the pocket of her robe by then. She felt both pride and dread that, apart from these few students, she was the only person to know the secret.

Harry had decided to tell Ginny about the Horcruxes almost immediately after they had renewed their relationship. He felt that Dumbledore would understand the need for her help. Spenser and Luna had been both a coincidence and an accident.

The two had joined them for breakfast one day and were discussing Native American legends. The talk had turned to the ability of certain Native Shamans to interact with animals in highly unusual ways. Harry had been stunned when Luna asked Spenser if the animals might be Horcruxes. Spenser acknowledged her, indicated that he knew what they were, and then openly suggested to Harry that Voldemort might use the technique. Ron and Harry both blew pumpkin juice out their noses…one more secret out of the bag.

“Miss Weasley, despite your parents’ reluctant consent for you to help, I will remind you that you are not yet of age…nor is Miss Lovegood. You have been placed in our care during the course of the school year. Your leaving Hogwarts unescorted concerns me greatly, as does the potential for your use of underage magic.”

“Professor…I haven’t used magic away from here…except in emergencies. Harry, Hermione, and my brother look after me…and Spenser as well after a fashion.”

“Yes, the matter of Mr. Hemmingway…a most interesting individual. Of course, he is our American guest, and, within limits, he may come and go as he pleases. I often wish that he would. Did I say that out loud…oh my. His portrayal of me in his pickled egg story was rather unsettling. Ahem…who is this Jerry Lewis?”

“Professor…”

“No…both of you. Harry, if you wish to remain here at school, you must comply with my authority. I must insist that I be informed when you intend to leave the grounds on your searches. Miss Weasley and Miss Lovegood may not participate in these. Also, you shall all receive detention for this excursion.”

Harry was silent and thoughtful for several seconds. He could feel both sets of eyes boring into him. Finally, he took a deep breath, gave Ginny’s hand a squeeze and then took a step closer to her desk.

“I cannot speak for Ron and Hermione, but I will be leaving Hogwarts this evening. I will not be returning,” he said.


*****



“Have we received a reply Peacock?” Rufus Scrimgeour asked. He already knew that they had but refused to let on how thoroughly he had incorporated his monitoring of Ministry mail. He kept his face deadpan in order to hide his exuberance at achieving this small victory.

Pestiferous Peacock, the representative from The Department of Magical Law Enforcement stood before his superior’s desk, hat in hands, and essentially at the position of attention. His own outward expression was far more obvious. He was scared of the Minister and was sweating profusely. Good, Scrimgeour thought. That is the way it should be.

“Yes sir. We only just received the owl from the Hogwarts headmistress. Our invitation has been accepted, and they have agreed to assist us unconditionally.”

This last bit of news had surprised Scrimgeour more than anything. He wasn’t sure how McGonagall convinced everyone, nor did he care. In the end, what mattered most was how the event would benefit the government…or more precisely…him.

“Excellent. I expect you to leave immediately to oversee the particulars. Everything is to be carried out exactly as I have indicated. There shall be not the slightest deviation in even the smallest detail. I expect this exhibition to be highly…profitable. I further expect that you will find a number of the Dark Lord’s followers among the students…whether they exist or not. During your stay, feel free to search the school, monitor the owl traffic, and to question anyone…anyone that you suspect of collusion with the enemy.”

“Is that really legal?” Peacock asked, and immediately regretted his question as the Minister of Magic rose from behind his desk to face the subordinate.

“What I deem to be legal is legal,” he said in a soft, fierce voice. “This operation has two goals: to promote a better public image for the Ministry and to demonstrate to that same public and to the Hogwarts Board of Governors the need for our increased involvement in school administration. Do you understand?”

“Yes sir!” Peacock stuttered, and he did. Now here’s a fraud in the making. This is all wrong…terribly wrong!


*****



Hermione was slumped down in an over-stuffed chair staring into the fire in front of her. The few other students in the Gryffindor Common Room gave her a wide berth, knowing that she was evidently still shaken about Ron’s injuries. Everyone had been stunned to hear that Ron had fallen off the broom he had been riding, and even more surprised to hear that he had done it in his sleep in the middle of the night. Knowing Ron, it was actually a plausible story to explain it all. Maybe Spenser was good for something after all…occasionally.

She was too exhausted to study, but her apprehension about Ron, Harry, and the Horcrux made sleep just as impossible. She kept going over the failed mission trying to decide if they could still complete a search of the mine somehow. It was obvious that there would be also be serious consequences for the accident, and perhaps restrictions imposed on their future actions. She looked up at the sound of the portal opening to see Harry and Ginny enter the room. She immediately leapt to her feet.

“Oh no…you’re injured! Here, use this to stop the blood flow. Harry, what happened?” Hermione asked, trying to dab his face with a handkerchief. Everyone seemed to be getting hurt. “Who did this to you?”

“Actually…Ginny did.” He gently pushed Hermione away, holding up his hands to demonstrate that he didn’t require help.

“I am not sorry that I did it either. Oh, hold still…Coagulus.” The bleeding was stopped, and another wave of her wand cleaned the stained white shirt he wore. He gave her a half-hearted grin as his only thanks but didn’t say anything more. “This noble git I fell in love with was going to quit school rather than accept detention for taking me with you last night.”

“So, you decided to kill Harry in order to keep him here? Of course, that makes perfect sense. How silly of me,” Hermione said, trying to lighten the mood with her comment. After a few seconds, it actually seemed to work, and even Harry began to laugh at himself.

“Actually, it did work…after a fashion. We came to an agreement with Professor McGonagall. Ginny may continue to accompany us as long as we all stay together, and someone from the faculty or the Order of the Phoenix accompanies us. I am going to interpret this to include Luna as well. She would also very much like us to tell select Order members about the Horcruxes.”

“Oh Harry,” Hermione quietly blurted out. She saw how he had scanned the room carefully before using the word. This was a serious subject to him, and a major concession on his part. Everyone however had carefully stressed to him…countless times…how remaining in school would be of enormous benefit.

“We also have detention,” Ginny added. “I don’t think that you are going to like it either.” She looked over to Harry and saw the strained look appear again on his face. She stepped over and put her arms around him to show her support, appreciation and the understanding that he had finally agreed to this for her sake.

“What is it?”

“We need to re-form Dumbledore’s Army,” Harry told her.


*****



“May I have your attention please,” Headmistress McGonagall called out to the assembled student body at our evening meal. “I have a very special announcement to make.”

Luna and I had just arrived to dinner after another quick trip to see Ron. It had been a wasted effort however without Hermione to translate, and even counterproductive when Ron fell out of bed and onto his face. I had only been trying to adjust his traction devices. How was I supposed to know that the cables had a quick release function?

“This upcoming weekend Hogwarts will host an open house and series of exhibitions involving the Magical Law Enforcement Department. The Ministry has requested that certain students, who have in the past demonstrated advanced skill in the Defensive Arts, participate in a number of planned activities. Mr. Harry Potter has graciously consented to assist in the preparations and to actively facilitate a number of the demonstrations.”

Graciously consented? We had all been railroaded into it as our detention punishment. The Ministry was trying to use the back door to get Harry’s public support for their war efforts. Ginny had explained to me how close Harry had come to leaving school, and he had agreed to this humiliation only to remain with her. The more she thought about it all, the more embarrassed about the whole thing she became. I finally told her the joke about the dead jackass and the Irish priest to cheer her up.

“ ‘Father…isn’t it the duty of the church to bury the dead?’ the constable asked. Yes, it is my son…but it is also our duty to notify the next of kin.’ ”

There was Ginny’s smile. Harry would be okay. You had to love a guy that could love this girl. Still, none of us were sure what we were going to do about the whole situation. Dumbledore’s Army had been out of business technically for almost two years.

The night that their old headmaster had been killed, only Neville and Luna had responded to the group summons, and they weren’t talking to each other at the moment because of a stupid misunderstanding over a Quibbler article (and several layers of stubbornness). Seamus Finnigan still hadn’t completely explained why he hadn’t come, and Brandon Llewellyn, while very cool under fire, had completely declined joining their efforts in the first place. I’ve promised both of them that I would hold off explaining their reasons for now.

Anyway, the fact of the matter was that apart from Hermione, Ginny, and Luna, there wasn’t much of an army for Harry to utilize. Either people weren’t proficient enough, hadn’t returned to school, or Harry just couldn’t rely upon them. No one had any thoughts about my joining. I was a pretty good shot with a wand, and I had once pierced an apple at a hundred yards with a stun bolt. The thing is however…apples don’t hurl spells back. I was just too klutzy with the Defensive Arts. I volunteered to decorate the dueling stage though…maybe some nice-looking green crepe paper and pretty flowers.

“Your families and the Wizarding public will of course all be invited,” she continued, pulling me out of my reflection, “…provided they can pass a rigorous security examination.” Everyone saw that she directed this comment, either straightforwardly or subconsciously, at the significantly diminished Slytherin table.

“Furthermore, I am authorizing the awarding of points for those that volunteer to help us. Some of the demonstrations are competitive in nature, and they will provide us with an excellent opportunity to enhance house pride.”

“What…? She must have been into the firewhisky again!” Harry said, obviously amazed at what Professor McGonagall had just done.

“Harry what did you mean by again, and why is this a bad thing?” I asked.

“Spenser, the Ministry wants us to look bad in order for them to appear all the more competent,” Hermione explained. Students will want to take part in duels with professional Aurors regardless of their level of training. How are we possibly going to reorganize the D.A. if houses are pitted again each other as if this were Quidditch?”


*****



I met up with Luna after the meal ended and indicated that all of us were going somewhere to talk together. A few of the other Ravenclaw students gave her a nasty look for associating with me now, and once again she just ignored them while at the same time pulling me back. She explained that she was just a little bit tired of my letting other students put me in the infirmary over their treatment of her. Besides which, why should they be upset? As an exchange student, I technically didn’t belong to any of the houses. I merely lived in Gryffindor because the student that had gone to Oregon in the swap had.

“You really should have let me bruise their fists again Luna. I had them right where they wanted me.”

We finally caught up with the others in the empty Arithmancy classroom. I was a bit astonished to see Professor McGonagall there, but not to see Harry pacing back and forth in front of her about to blow up. She however seemed perfectly calm and composed (as always).

“Professor…don’t you see what is happening? Scrimgeour wants us to fail during the open house. The Ministry of Magic is playing games with all of you trying to get my endorsement, and…I don’t know what else!”

“Don’t you think that I know that Harry? Minister Scrimgeour, and that will be how you are to address him, clearly has his own agenda. We are extremely fortunate to have been given this opportunity to counter his somewhat malevolence designs.”

“By turning the student houses against each other when you have asked me to form a unified school team to work with the Aurors?”

“Exactly. We shift the focus of this away from the Law Enforcement Department to the school competition. The public will be far more interested in the house contests than they will be with your dueling with the Aurors. They’re professionals…individuals that will seen as being far more capable. Of course, if you do happen to demonstrate greater capabilities occasionally…I would have no objections.”

“I don’t think that I understand…completely.”

“I believe that I do Harry,” Hermione said. “Professor…you want to turn the Ministry’s open house into one for Hogwarts.”

“Precisely. You will be shown to be extremely competent students as opposed to less than competent Auror-pretenders. We shall have a number of original as well as textbook spell demonstrations, booths displaying magical defensive instruments that students have creatively developed, and a special platform where house dueling teams will compete against each other. We shall even permit the Wizarding public to challenge members of your army as well as the Ministry Aurors. What better way to both showcase your abilities and what the school continues to contribute.

“There is something very important that I want you to understand as well. The Magical Law Enforcement Department’s liaison for this event, an old friend and former student of mine named Pestiferous Peacock…I will give you the spelling later Mr. Hemmingway…has made certain claims about the Minister’s intentions. He has made these revelations at great personal and professional risk to himself. Mr. Scrimgeour wishes the government to have a far greater role in our school’s operations. You have no doubt seen how far fewer students have chosen to return this year. It is imperative that activities here are shown in the best possible light in order to maintain public confidence. This is especially true in your case Mr. Hemmingway.”

“What? Do you want me to write something about all of this?” I asked.

“Perhaps later…with proper editing that might be of some use. I was referring however simply to your presence. Your Canemah Academy and Hogwarts, despite the ongoing war, have shown enough confidence in our protective measures to allow an exchange of students between us. I apologize now if I choose to make an example of you for our benefit.”

“No problem ma’am. Hey, it might even sell some stories.”

“Ahem…yes your stories…um, yes… Harry, unless I am mistaken you seem to still be concerned about something. Am I correct?”

“Yes Professor. There is still the matter of our searching the mine for the missing artifacts. It is important that we find and destroy the Horcrux if it is there. How can we do that if we have the Law Enforcement Department continually looking over our shoulders?” he asked.

“Hermione and I have an idea Harry,” Ginny said with a grin that aroused the suspicions in me. “If the Dark magic detection device that Hermione has developed with Professor Flitwick works properly, we can have the Aurors do our work for us.”


*****



We were extremely fortunate to have an exceptionally beautiful morning that Saturday. It was clearly the warmest day yet that year, and the Hogwarts grounds soaked up the sunshine, and responded with a burst of spring blooms. The transition from the remaining March snow to the mid-April greenery was complete, and Mother Nature had done an excellent job of it.

By mid-morning the last of the respective Ministry and student booths were in place. The Aurors’ displays were, for the most part, very professional-looking, but I somehow knew that they were more show for the press that day than actual demonstrations of Department capabilities. It was hard to believe that they would reveal all of their best weapons and tricks.

Our various booths were in many ways much more impressive. The Hufflepuff exhibit included an excellent demonstration of their modification to the Frigid Flask Spell. The new one, instead of cooling your refreshing beverage of choice, caused sheets of ice to form on the soles of your feet (very useful in slowing someone down). We were extremely proud of Neville at the Gryffindor booth when he demonstrated his own new spell that caused a great deal of ivy to spring from the ground, envelop and hold someone. Unfortunately, when he tried to teach it to me, I got the Greek pronunciation wrong, and my subject was grabbed and thrown across the field and into the side of a wall by the vines. Poor Ron. He had graduated to crutches just that morning, but now was back to square one again.

At precisely nine-thirty that morning, the gates were opened, and the Aurors escorted the carefully screened crowds onto the grounds. We were actually impressed with the amount of precautions that they had taken to ensure everyone’s protection. While the Wizard public had been invited, strangers (and most definitely Voldemort) had not been. People had all been examined, wands inspected, identification checked, and protective wards put in place. Everything short of a cavity search had been done on all the attendees. We had all been assured that nothing could go wrong. You know what that usually means.

Since I was not participating in any of the house competitions, I had been given a large share of the school-wide coordination duties. We had arranged for vendors from Hogsmeade to set up their own food stalls, which ran the gamut from excellent butterbeer sausages to deep-fried lizards on a stick. There was even someone selling frozen pumpkin juice custards. I was more than a little surprised that Fred and George Weasley had asked to have a display for their products.

Self-tying Ropes; a very good-seller. Binds the baddy while you’re busy with the beauty you just saved.”

Exploding Ping-pong Balls…of great use to an Auror engaged in a game with You-Know-Who.”

Blasting Blackbird Pies. Guaranteed to peck the Death Eater into immediate submission. From the box to the oven and then into battle in five minutes. Low calorie, low fat!”

One of the more popular attractions was the demonstration platform where various entertainers alternated with the duel challenges. If I hadn’t crippled Ron, I had hoped to have our own band play for part of the day, but instead we had to settle for the school’s orchestra and a particularly bad polka band that drove the house-elves into a violent frenzy.

I had also arranged for a juggler that specialized with Muggle chainsaws, but his family had written to us at the last moment saying that he had to cancel for some reason. Certainly, everyone felt let down, and we could not come up with a single reason why he wasn’t there.

The clown that did balloon animals was also a disappointment. She somehow did her spell backwards, inflated herself instead, and was last spotted floating out to sea. Harry related a great story about his uncle’s sister Marge after witnessing that.

Another thing that proved to be tremendously successful was the large number of opportunities for the hands-on use of various pieces of equipment. People tried out potion detectors, pumpkin catapults, battle brooms, and tax audit repellant. One Ministry booth concentrated on displaying fraudulent protective charms and devices, guaranteed to protect the user from Dark magic, werewolves, unwanted transfiguration, and asparagus. I knew that Mr. Weasley was very much involved in this area, and more than a little surprised at first that he and his wife weren’t there today.

When I thought about it though, the reason was fairly obvious. Everywhere I looked, there were representatives from the Ministry crowing about their open house, the competence of their Aurors, their achievements during the war, and especially the need for Ministry involvement in all aspects of Wizard life in order to quickly bring matters to a conclusion. Arthur Weasley would never allow himself to be included in such a self-promoting sham.

“How are things coming Spenser?” Harry asked, surprising me from behind, and making me jump. “You really should pay more attention. I could have been a Death Eater.”

“Then I would simply drop to the ground, and cry for my mommy like a little girl. Gryffindor is ten points ahead in the one competition after we came up with the Barking Chicken Spell. How are the duels going?”

“Slytherin is a no-show naturally, and our house is tied with Ravenclaw. Luna just sent poor Justin to Madame Pomfrey when she accidentally hit him in the face with a stun. We are doing especially well with the guests that have been signing up to challenge what’s left of Dumbledore’s Army on the small stage. Seamus is doing an excellent job training people on the binding spells.”

“Have we had many Ministry goons wanting to challenge you?”

“Several of them have, and a few were quite insistent. Mr. Peacock has actually proven to be a valuable friend despite who he works for. He has continually found excuses to put off the duels between the Aurors and the Army.”

We walked together taking in all of the activity around us. We had completed a great deal of work over the past few days, and, despite the reasons behind the open house, had to feel very good about what had been accomplished. We were especially pleased that almost all of the comments we heard from the passing crowds were complimentary of the school and didn’t even mention the Ministry. People tend to have a natural dislike, or at least reduced level of trust for government. At the same time, I could only guess how many here still had a great deal of affection for their old school.

We approached one M.L.E. booth that had been drawing particularly large crowds. Its banner read Clandestine Magical Devices, and it was manned by an extremely thin man with a goatee and very bushy eyebrows that seemed to fall down to cover his eyes. Harry picked up what appeared to be a Muggle fountain pen and began to examine it.

“Ah, that is one of our more useful tools,” Goatee-man told him. The way that he was grinning, he seemed to be very full of himself.

“Let me guess…you click the pen and it expands into a full-size racing broom,” I said. The man’s grin instantly vanished.

“What? How…how did you know?” he asked.

“It’s pretty obvious. I thought that I saw that in a spy movie once. Of course, there it converted into a vintage 1952 Rolls Royce. Oh…a movie is a Muggle entertainment that…no, never mind.”

“You are the Harry Potter!” a new voiced said. The man, who appeared to be in his early twenties, was easily seven-foot tall, had short-cropped blond hair and a physical build like an Olympic wrestler. He also had what I guessed was a German, or perhaps a Dutch accent. He approached us with someone I believed to be Rufus Scrimgeour beside him, and an embarrassed-looking Peacock following closely behind. I immediately disliked Dutch and the Minister as well.

“Ah Harry…I have been looking for you. I would like to introduce you to one of our star student Aurors, Hans Breaker. I must compliment you on your work for our open house today. You have all done an exceptional job for us.”

“I didn’t do it for you or the Ministry. This is Hogwarts’ open house, and you are merely guests. I have done nothing here today to either endorse your supposed war effort, or to assist you to put your tentacles into our school’s affairs.

“I see.” Scrimgeour didn’t even blink. The Dutchman did though.

“I cannot understand why your country places such faith in this boy. He is merely hot air and words.”

Hot air all right,” I said. “He huffs and puffs and blows Death Eaters down. What have you done lately? I mean besides trying to go through everyone’s personal things. Oh yeah…Hagrid found one of your Aurors searching Professor Marvel’s room. He tied him in a knot. It was a bowline I think…no, actually it was a clove hitch come to think of it.”

“An American? You must be our guest Mr. Hemmingway. My young man…you are a visitor to this country and have been permitted to remain here as a student for a time. This exchange is an almost unprecedented privilege. I advise…caution in your words young man. Your status here can be easily altered.” Scrimgeour said in a not-too-disguised threatening tone.

I gave him my very best evil grin, which caused the man’s expression to change to dark uncertainty. He nodded to Harry and then stomped off with Frankenstein in tow.

“Now he is someone I want to go up against,” Harry said.

“Which one?” I asked.

“Either one, but the blond one would be an interesting duel.”

“I am glad that you feel that way, because he has signed the Dutchman up for a challenge, and your headmistress accepted for you,” Peacock said then.


*****



“Harry, have you gone mad?” Hermione yelled. “Hans Breaker will put you in the infirmary with Ron. He is famous in Holland for his dueling skills. He is a machine! That is why the Magical Law Enforcement Depart recruited him to come to England. If we need to have someone killed, send Spenser against him.”

“Hey…come on!”

“I’m sorry Spenser, but if you do to Breaker what you have to Ron over the past few days then the matter is settled.”

“You don’t seem to have much faith in me Hermione,” Harry told her, not sounding a bit put off by her words. Ginny smiled her support as well. “Do you have the Dark magic detector ready?” he asked.

“Yes…yes we do. The Ministry’s ready to demonstrate their own as well. Harry, please…”

“Do you have any idea how you are going to work this duel Harry?” I asked, intentionally interrupting her. She gave me an irritated glare about it.

“I think that he is going to cheat. He really does seem like a Slytherin,” Luna added.

“A Slytherin…then he probably is so arrogant that he thinks he has already beaten me. I wonder…maybe that could be made to work for me. Luna, could you show me Poultre Infitatus…the spell you entered in the house competition?”

As we walked through the seating area toward the demonstration platform, Luna went over it with him a number of times, but without the opportunity to really attempt it, there was quite a bit of doubt as to whether it would work. I saw that the crowd had grown significantly, apparently at the prompting of the Ministry representatives and the desire to see the Chosen One in a duel.

The big guy was already on the stage waiting for Harry, and, as expected, working himself up in front of the audience. In the front row of the seating, side-by-side sat Scrimgeour, McGonagall, and Peacock, with only the latter showing the slightest bit of apprehension about the duel.

All of us had been working very hard that year to keep Harry and Ginny’s relationship a secret in order to protect her. Therefore, we had arranged that just before the platform steps, Ginny would pretend to drop the basket she was carrying. The two squatted down to pick things up, and with Luna, Hermione, and me blocking them from view, they exchanged a quick kiss. Now Harry was unbeatable.

The rules that day were fairly simple. The first Wizard to hit the opponent with two consecutive hits won the contest. There could be no outside help or interference, and all spells had to be non-lethal. The two bowed and began walking toward opposite corners. Harry had been expecting Breaker to try to shoot him in the back, and as the Dutchman turned and fired first, Harry merely flicked his wand under his opposing arm, and released a blocking spell. Spinning about, Harry let go a Zapfzz stun bolt which hit Breaker full in the chest, knocking him from his feet. The Dutchman was good as well. As he flew back, he fired off his own bolt which grazed Harry’s shoulder, and drew a bit of blood. The score was tied.

Both were instantly back on their feet. Harry’s Stupefy Spell was easily blocked, as was one that I didn’t recognize from Breaker. The Dutchman persistently threw complicated magic at Harry, who insisted on only responding with the simplest of spells. The two continued to block and dodge each other’s bolts, and while neither seemed to be growing tired, it was clear that Breaker was becoming more and more frustrated that a simple seventh-year could be giving him such a duel.

I had a rough idea what Harry was trying to accomplish. He had worked enough with Tonks, Remus, and Alastor Moody to know a great deal of what Breaker could and would do there. While he studied the Dutchman, he held himself back so as not to reveal his own capabilities. Harry was also utilizing something that his cousin Dudley had yet to learn with his own boxing career. Frustration leads to anger, and a raging bull will be the first to make a mistake in a fight. Hans Breaker was almost to that point.

Finally, Harry saw an opening, and hurled Poultre Infitatus at him. I wasn’t entirely sure then what was supposed to happen, but the large man was all at once covered with chicken feathers from head to toe. This seemed to take him by surprise (imagine that), and as the crowds laughed, he completely lost it. Breaker then did something that none of us expected. Instead of retaliating against Harry, he turned his wand on us.

Stepping in front of Luna, I surprised myself at how fast I had my own wand out. I need not have bothered since a heartbeat later I heard the Empedium Max Spell shouted out, and then saw Breaker hurled through the air to land a mile away in the lake. The nature of that spell preserved the person’s life when they landed, but it did not address the target’s ability to swim…or sink. Those had not been duck feathers on him.

I took a second to make sure that Luna was fine and was rewarded with that terrific grin of hers. I then stepped onto the stage to join Harry. I had one of my famous ideas, which generally alternate between brilliant and “Take cover people!”

“Ladies and gentleman, how about a round of applause for Harry Potter and the stunt-actor provided by the Ministry of Magic,” I said. Harry gave me a puzzled look, Peacock a relieved one, and Scrimgeour…well he was ready to peal off my skin. “Today’s demonstration was completely staged and meant to be purely instructional. Mr. Hans Breaker is the famous Dutch comedian, renowned for his physical comedy. He is also available for children’s parties and dog shows.” The Minister of Magic stood up and approached the edge of the platform with two guards, wands drawn.

“Spenser…what are you doing?” Harry asked.

“Damage control. Say something Harry.”

“Um…yes… Thank you, thank you very much! We will be here all afternoon. Please try the veal.”

Groan!

The assembled crowd went wild at his words, while Scrimgeour merely turned away, and, with his escort left, the seating area. He knew better than to challenge Harry that day, and I had a feeling that he didn’t want any problems with the American government either.

“May I ask what that was about?” Harry whispered as we left the stage and moved toward the booths again.

“Harry, most of the Aurors that we’ve met today seem to actually be pretty decent people. I’ve given them some distance from Breaker after what he just tried to pull. Most of the audience knows that the duel wasn’t staged, but the doubt will give the M.L.E. an opportunity to save face. Another thing–-Scrimgeour can’t bring Breaker back now without making himself either a laughing stock, or the employer of a renegade who turned his wand on school kids.”

Harry just laughed then. As the girls ran up to join us, Hermione proceeded to deliver a hug to Harry, and apologized for doubting him. Somehow she even found a reason to give me a quick smile. Luna…the look that she gave me left me both confused and a little scared.

“Ginny are we ready for the second part of our plan?” Harry asked.

All three girls just started giggling.


*****



“So, Miss Granger…you are saying that this device that you, Miss Weasley, and your Charms class developed with your instructor is the penultimate detector of Dark magic?” Mr. Peacock asked. He wasn’t sure what to make of the girl’s claim, but his curiosity and faith in Professor McGonagall prompted him to take a look at it. It resembled some manner of Muggle compass suspended inside a horseshoe.

“Yes sir. We essentially took the basic concept behind the magical divining rod and carried it a step further with the introduction of an associated directional indicator,” Hermione told him. She was working very hard not to let the excitement that she felt be heard in her voice.

“I see. You realize that a team of Witches and Wizards from the Magical Law Enforcement Department have recently perfected their own such device. We had intended to introduce it here today at the open house,” he added then.

“Naturally, it would only benefit us all to have the most efficient magical instrument available for our collective use,” Professor McGonagall pointed out. “I suggest a final demonstration today. I have approved a competitive trial between the two devices.”

“Surely you are in jest Professor!” Peacock blurted out in disbelief.

“Pestiferous, you were always a very good student, and in fact you had the capability to be great. The one thing that you lacked was the personal fortitude to risk new things. I trust Miss Granger and her fellow students implicitly. Do you have such faith in your fellow Aurors and your own new detector?” The two locked eyes for what seemed like minutes, but in fact was merely a few seconds.

“Yes Professor…yes I do. What do you propose?” That was Harry’s cue to step in with our plan.

“The professor has arranged to have known Death Eater artifacts placed inside a test area in Kent,” he explained. “Our team and yours will enter a certain mine at the same time. Quite simply, the group that has the easiest time finding their respective artifact will win the competition, and their own detector deemed to be the superior one.”

Peacock considered this for two or three minutes, at the same time studying Harry and the rest of us. I wasn’t sure if he liked the suggestion, but if his team succeeded, it would no doubt go quite a ways to quiet things between the Minister and himself.

“I agree…on one condition. One of my Aurors will accompany your team, and, if you would like, one of your students Professor may accompany ours. This will leave no doubt that there will be no cheating on anyone’s part.”

“I could not agree more. Since he cannot contribute points to any of the school’s four houses, I suggest that Mr. Hemmingway escort your group,” she said.

How did I know she was going to say that?

We gathered our supplies, and as the day was waning, at McGonagall’s direction, I made arrangements with the assembled prefects to begin the clean-up of our booths. A group of third-years who had been caught giving firewhisky to the giant squid volunteered to help out with this.

While Ginny and Harry went to say their goodbyes to Fred and George, and Hermione to check on Ron one last time, Luna and I went and had Hagrid release the Aurors that had been caught searching the castle during the open house. Some of them actually looked embarrassed, either because of what they had done, or because the school staff had caught them doing it. Peacock gave them all a verbal reprimand, but he had already told us that since Minister Scrimgeour had quietly approved their actions, nothing would really be done to them.

Thirty minutes later, we met just outside the front gates, and watched as the last of our guests filed out. The open house had been a great success for both sides, and we had even made some new friends among the M.L.E. All that remained was a quick field trip, and although they didn’t know it, a joint search for a certain Horcrux.

Professor McGonagall joined us with the Portkey that she had produced. This one was a very nasty-looking spittoon, the origin of which I did not need to know. The headmistress then indicated that she would not be accompanying us after all, which almost literally floored our group. We had been amazed at how much latitude we had been given in preparing for, and participating in, the open house. The past few days had changed a hesitant trust in us to what seemed to be a much stronger, more confident one. She did not make so much as a passing comment about Ginny and Luna coming with us.

Arriving at the mine, we pulled out some Muggle miner head-lamps which would free up our wands if they were needed down there. No one had forgotten what had happened to Ron or whose mine this once was. The Aurors then produced their own detection device which was a globe-size glass ball with some sort of pixy inside wearing goggles and a glove with a large index finger. I was startled when it spun around in there, finally coming to rest pointing at the mine entrance. I guess the thing actually worked.

“Well Harry, I guess that we’ll see you back here in a little bit,” I said as I threw my small rucksack on my back. “By the way Hermione, why didn’t you ever mention that you were working on a Dark magic detector?”

“We weren’t. This is just an old horseshoe with a Muggle compass my father gave me one year. It won’t even point north anymore, and it certainly won’t find the Death Eater artifact. I am afraid that it is up to you and the Aurors to find the Horcrux with their real device.”

“Sneaky kiddo…very sneaky. It’s worthy of me,” I told her. I thought that I saw her roll her eyes as I ran to catch up with my team.


*****



“Well that was a wasted trip,” Ginny said, her head tilted back on the Common Room sofa as Harry gently rubbed her neck.

“Not entirely,” Hermione told them as she stepped through the portal and into her house. She appeared to be just as exhausted as the rest of them, although perhaps a bit relieved that the search of the mine was finally over. “Even if we didn’t find a you-know-what, we did help return the treasures to the museum.”

“…and capture two Death Eaters guarding it,” Harry added. “How does that feel?”

“Oooh…ahh!”

“Not according to the Ministry,” Hermione said, tossing down a copy of the Daily Prophet. “We aren’t even mentioned in the story. I suppose that is a good thing under the circumstances. Are you ready to go up to the infirmary to see him?”

“I suppose so,” Ginny said, rising and stretching before following Hermione back outside. “What did the paper say about the open house?”

“It describes a very successful demonstration of Ministry capabilities, and their unsurpassed willingness to help develop the character and magical skills of Wizard youth,” Harry read from the paper as they walked through the school. “In other words…pure tripe. Scrimgeour has the paper in his coat pocket as well.”

“At least Luna’s father is going to produce something nice in The Quibbler. It may not be prestigious, but it is a rather popular magazine,” Hermione said.

Arriving at the infirmary, they were greeted by an equally-tired Madame Pomfrey. The Healer made the comment that she had seen far too much of the group over the past week, admonished all of them to be more careful in the future, but then waived them in to see their friend. Ron was sitting up on his bed with just some minor bruises remaining, along with a wrapped wrist and a few small bandages. He looked infinitely better and in exceptionally good spirits.

“What are you grinning at Ron,” Ginny asked him, while risking an arm around Harry. Looking at the other bed, she suddenly knew the answer, and then gave her brother an ugly scowl at his insensitivity.

“What are the odds? What are the odds of his finding that very same mine shaft while they were in there searching?” he asked.

“Mrpncy clrt nt rshn? Klpty prftst!”

“I don’t think that Ron wanted you to really fall Spenser. It was just a rhetorical question I’m sure,” Luna translated this time.

“Yeah mate…Madame Pomfrey said that you should be out of the full-body cast in about forty-eighty hours,” Ron said, not even attempting to hide his smile. Hermione swatted him, but she had to grin as well.

“Hmmmhhhh! Mgshf mngst…”

“He said…”

“We know Luna,” Harry said. “Mischief managed!”


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