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Silent Musings | ||||
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Category: Post-OotP Characters:Harry/Ginny Genres: Angst Warnings: None Story is Complete Rating: PG Reviews: 4 Summary: During OOTP, before her relationship with Michael, what is Ginny really thinking? Some insight into Ginny's thoughts with a 'diary' entry that lives for only a few moments. Hitcount: Story Total: 3382 |
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Silent Musings A/N: Insert the usual. I dont't own Harry Potter, all characters belong to JKR, etc etc. ******** There are some things that you never get over, like a bad cold that doesn't seem to want to leave your chest. Sometimes it is an ache, a feeling of doubt somewhere inside you lurking, trapped because you are too afraid of what it might mean. Or maybe it is a feeling of hope that is locked inside because you lack the courage to let it out to grow. Whatever that feeling, it stays with you, never wanting to let go. It latches onto your heart so that, whenever you are at your best, you remember it and it suddenly weighs you down. It weighs you down so much that you have forgotten how to breathe or talk. You only sit there with your mouth slightly open, waiting for sound to come out when none can. It never comes. You are always stuck stuttering like a fool in front of them, while they are scowling at the floor like it actually offended them. You put your elbows into butter dishes, and turn every shade of red when they speak to you. It is like waiting for rain to fall during a dry spell, waiting for something exciting to happen to you, waiting for a birthday present when you are 6 months too early. It’s like wanting to have everything when you know that you can only have what is given. Being stuck in the cold, in the rain; outside alone, waiting for warmth that will never come. It is like trying to fly with wax wings in the hot sun, painful and disappointing. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Or is it just like this for me? I’ve wanted to talk to Hermione about this, because just about everyone except Ron knows that she is in love with him. Another perfect example of my misery. Honestly, I’m too nervous about her reaction. She seems to think that it’s this enormous secret…but really, after that row after the Yule Ball, everyone knows it. I wonder if she feels helpless like I do. I'm not pretty. I have red hair, a horrendous amount of freckles, a small nose. I'm stout and sturdy, built like Prewett women. I consider myself healthy, neither fat nor skinny. Just…normal. Growing up around six brothers, you never have time to dwell too long on looks. It never seems to come up, especially when you’d throw a fit if they said you were anything but beautiful. I've never really thought myself beautiful, but apparently some boys think so. But never the boy I want to think me beautiful. Never him. He's too wrapped up in his own destiny, his own misery and strife to even bother to notice me. The only time he even looked at me as something other than his best mate's little sister is when I had to remind him that he's not the only life Tom has damaged, not the only childhood he has ruined. I mean, honestly. The prat. How could he forget that? He's tried to ruin all of our lives, not just Harry's life. But Harry seems to think only of himself these days. Sometimes I wonder about the fantasies I dreamed up as a ten year old. I always imagined he was kind, a brave sort who would always think of others before himself. But now...now all I see is a teenager stuck between hating himself and hating the life that has been chosen for him. Really, it’s beginning to remind me of some silly conversation that Lavender and Parvati twitter about in the Common Room at night. They go on and on about destiny; “is he destined to be with me, you think?” and the other goes “lets check our planets and see if they are aligned” and they go on and on. Sometimes I pity him for not realizing that the life he leads is his own, and that only he can choose the path he walks on. It is not the one chosen for him, but what he can make of it. But I believe that is something he will eventually realize in time. **** The normal common room noises surround her as she continues to write on the parchment. She can hear Ron and Hermione’s banter in the background, discussing Ron’s lack of notes in History of Magic again. In the back of her mind, she wonders if Hermione secretly enjoys the fights her and Ron share. "Ginny, what are you writing?" A quill freezes over the parchment. "Oh, nothing really...just something for a Potions essay." An inhalation of breath. "Really. Terribly sorry to bother you then. May I have a look?" "NO! I-I mean no, it's not finished and it's really bad writing." Her hand shaking, quill quivering in her grasp. A small snort emits from his nose. “It can’t be as terrible as mine. I might be able to help, you know.” He extends his hand to snatch the paper. Horrified, Ginny clutches it to her chest. “Really, Harry. It’s nothing to fret about,” she manages to say, staring at his hand. "I see...er, well, good luck then. See you at supper." Shoes scuff on the carpet floor as he walks back towards the table in the corner where he, Ron and Hermione are still quietly fighting. She watches him, torn between telling him and running for the girls’ dormitory. She chooses neither. She sighs deeply. "Thank god," she mutters. "All it would have taken was one look." Abruptly, Ron stands up from the table and declares his starved state. Ginny smiles. He really has grown over the past year, much like a bean. The trio is gone before she exits her nostalgia. Shifting in her chair, the paper crinkles, reminding her of what she has written. In a fit of inspiration (or maybe desperation), she throws the parchment into the fire and watches as the edges curl and the paper becomes ash. She stares at the fire long after the pages are gone. The words are gone, but the ache in her chest remains. ********* A/N: Be nice, this is my first time posting at an HP fanfiction site. I've had this on my computer for months; I wrote it as a self-reflection and it turned into Ginny's self-reflection. Originally, it was only 587 words, so I had to revamp it a bit. Thanks for reading, and leave a review on your way out! |
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