|
Match Game Hogwarts | ||||
|
Category: Alternate Universe Characters:Draco Malfoy, Albus Dumbledore, Harry/Ginny, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Severus Snape Genres: Comedy, Humor Warnings: None Story is Complete Rating: PG-13 Reviews: 40 Summary: What happens when a 1970's Game Show Classic collides with the Potterverse? Flying knickers, a bit of snogging and the inappropriate use of Magic Markers, for a start... Hitcount: Story Total: 5161 |
|
|||
|
A/N: I wrote this a few months ago and debated whether I should post it here or not. It is a bit of a departure from my normal writing. I grew up with game shows and Match Game is my all time favorite. So, I hope you enjoy this one shot. Please read and review- LT Lights come up on a tacky, 1970’s style game show set. Cue game show music that sounds suspiciously like it came from a cheesy porn flick. Game show host Apparates in the center of the set: Dumbledore: Good evening, everyone! My name is Albus Dumbledore. Welcome, welcome to Match Game Hogwarts. Let us meet our six panel members, starting with the top row: First: He’s dark, he’s dismal, and he is one snarky wizard! Some find his greasy black hair is off-putting, but he really is quite the ladies' man. Let’s hear it for Potions Professor, Severus Snape! Very little applause from the studio audience Snape: Headmaster, do I have to do this? Dumbledore: Yes. And next, she’s spooky, she’s kooky, and she's quite the eclectic dresser! Please welcome the lovely Divination Professor, Sibyll Trelawney. (Slightly more applause than Snape, but not by much. Sibyll is staring into the crystal ball in front of her, clearly not paying attention to her surroundings.) Albus: Sibyll? Planet Earth to Sibyll. Sibyll: Headmaster, the vibrations of this studio are very interesting. I see... I see…THE GRIM. Albus: OK then! Our next celebrity has just been released from St Mungo’s Hospital with most of his memory restored. I give you Professor Gilderoy Lockhart! (The women in the audience scream and toss their knickers at Lockhart; the men just sulk and mutter “pouf” under their breath.) Lockhart: Ladies, ladies! Plenty of me to go around! Albus: OK, on to the bottom row. She’s cute, she’s plucky, she really is the brightest witch of her age... or any age, for that matter! Please welcome Hermione Granger! (Polite applause with a few catcalls from the men, as she is the most attractive female on the stage) Hermione: Thank you, Professor Dumbledore. It is a pleasure to be here! Snape: Headmaster, she is a student, what in Merlin’s name is she doing on the panel? Albus (gives Snape “the look”): Severus! OK, next we have everyone’s favorite sidekick and the best wizard chess player in Hogwarts history, Ron Weasley! (Girls in crowd, now knickerless, start throwing bras at Ron while singing, “He never lets the Quaffle in, Weasley is our King!” Ron smiles and musses his hair up.) Hermione (scowling): Honestly! Snape: OK, at least Miss Granger is smart. But, WEASLEY? Albus: Well, Professor Flitwick had a prior engagement. Onward to our last member of the panel. She’s short; she loves kittens, the color pink and torturing students in detention. I give you Dolores Umbridge! (Boos and raspberries from the audience) Dolores: Hem, hem. Albus: Now it is time to meet our contestants! Cue tacky game show music. The set creaks as it turns to reveal the contestants. Albus: Our first contestant is everyone’s favorite hero: the boy who lived, Harry Potter! (Tumultuous applause) Harry, please tell us a little about yourself. Harry: I’m Harry Potter and I go to Hogwarts. I have a pet owl named Hedwig. Oh, and I have a new girlfriend, Ginny Weasley. (Harry’s face goes a bit red). Ron: You have a WHAT?! Ginny! Ginny (in the audience): Ron, he said he had a new girlfriend, you git! And if any of you ladies throw any underwear at Harry, you will be VERY sorry! Ron: *cough* bat bogey hex * cough* Harry, after the show, you and I will be having a little talk. Albus: On to contestant number two. He’s everything that Harry Potter isn’t. He’s blond, he’s devious and he is scar-free. Welcome, Draco Malfoy. (Polite applause and a few bras are tossed at him.) Draco: Potter gets the cheers, but I get the bras! You may be the boy who lived, but I am the boy who gets some! (A large pair of men’s briefs hits Draco in the face.) Albus: It is time to play Match Game. For those of you who don’t know, here is how the game works. Each contestant will get a fill in the blank question. The panel will write the answers on cards and place them face down. Then, the contestant will try and guess the answer that will match the most panel members. The contestant with the most matches at the end of the game will move on the bonus round. Harry, you’re first. Draco: Figures. Albus: OK, here is your question: “The Malfoys are so rich…” Audience: How rich are they? Albus: Very good, I am glad you asked that. The Malfoys are so rich; they even have a house elf to blank. Music begins and the panel begins to write down answers. Ron (trying to peek at Hermione’s answer): Come on, Hermione! You know you’re smarter than me. Hermione: Yes, I am, and no, you can’t see my answer. Ron: Fine! Hermione: Fine! Music ends Albus: OK, it looks like everyone has an answer. So, Harry, “The Malfoys are so rich, they even have a house elf to...?" Harry: Er, wait, I know! The Malfoys are so rich, they even have a house elf to wipe Draco’s arse. (Audience breaks out into raucous laughter) Draco: You are dead, Potter! Harry: Yeah, I’m shaking in my Qudditch robes. Albus: Severus, what is your answer? Snape: The Malfoys are so rich they even have a house elf to pay off the Potions Master to praise their son’s lackluster potion making. Albus: That is incorrect. Sibyll? Sibyll (in her best airy, fairy voice): As I consulted the Orb, the answer came to me. The Malfoys are so rich they even have a house elf to... to... to THE GRIM! Albus: Next! Gilderoy, what do you have? Lockhart: Yes, yes. The Malfoys are so rich; they even have a house elf to dust off the complete set of my books, on sale now, at Flourish and Blotts! Albus: Well, Harry, no luck with the first three. Hermione? Hermione: Well, I wanted to answer, "The Malfoys are so rich that they even have a house elf to serve the other house elves. You know, a SLAVE for the SLAVES!” But, I went with “The Malfoys are so rich, they even have a house elf to apply Draco’s hair gel.” Draco: Mudblood! Hermione: Inbred upper crust albino! Draco and Ron: Huh? Albus: What is your answer, Mr. Weasley? Ron (big grin as he holds up his card): To wipe Draco’s Arse! Albus: That is one match for you, Harry! Harry: Cheers, Ron! Ron: We are still having a little talk about Ginny later…. Albus: Dolores? Umbridge: Hem, hem. “The Malfoys are so rich, they even have a house elf to mimble wimble. Albus: What was that? Umbridge (holds up card in disgust): Fine, I matched Potter. -------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------ Albus: Harry, that is two for you. Draco, here is your question, “The Weasleys are so poor” Audience: How poor are they? Ron and Ginny: Hey! Albus: They are so poor, they can’t even afford blank. Music begins and the panel begins to write down answers. Ron: I swear, if Malfoy says ONE nasty thing about my family… Snape: Weasley, that is the whole reason for the question. 10 points from Gryffindor for being such an idiot! Albus: Draco, the Weasleys are so poor they can’t even afford... Draco: There are so many good answers for this one, but I will go with the Weasleys are so poor, they can’t even afford to pay attention.” (Audience laughs at the classic answer to the question.) Albus: Severus, your answer? Snape (holds up card): “afford to pay attention”. Can I go now? Albus: Ah, no. That is one for Draco. Sibyll? Sibyll: The Weasleys are so poor they can’t even afford THE GRIM! Hermione: Not that bloody grim again! Albus: Gilderoy? Do I need to ask? Lockhart: Oh, my yes! My fans will be ever so disappointed if I don’t get my camera time. The Weasleys are so poor they can’t afford my books! But, I will be supplying them with a complete set of all of my works, free of charge! Ron: My mum already has them all... and we are not THAT poor! Albus: Miss Granger, your answer, please. Hermione (blushes beet red): The Weasleys are so poor they can’t even pay attention. Ron: Hermione! How could you?? Hermione: Well, I can’t help it if I connected with Draco on a subconscious level, can I? Ron: Connected with Draco in a subconscious level! Malfoy, when we are through with this game, you won’t be communicating with anyone because I will LEVEL you UNCONSCIOUS! Albus: Ron, what is your answer? Ron: Headmaster, don’t you think this is a bit cruel? Albus: Yes. What’s your point? Ron: Never mind. The Weasleys are so poor they can’t even afford new clothes but at least my family isn’t a bunch of evil Death Eater gits! Harry: Good one, Ron! Ron: Stop trying to suck up, Potter. When I am through with Malfoy, I am coming after you! She’s my baby sister, you perv! Ginny: You leave Harry alone or so help me Ron… Draco: *cough* bat bogey hex * cough* Albus: Madam Umbridge? Umbridge: Hem, hem. (Sticky sweet voice) The Weasleys are so poor they can’t even afford a decent last name. Weasley is an odd last name for a pureblood wizard family, isn’t it? (Audience is silent while they think about her answer. Then, there is a general murmuring of “Yeah, what the hell kind of name is Weasley for an old pureblood wizard family?) Albus: Incorrect, but a thought provoking answer just the same. So, Draco and Harry, you are tied at two answers each. We will play one more round, after this….” Goes to commercial break…. Albus (out in the audience, talking to Madam Hooch): So then, the goblin says "My, what big feet you…" Oh, I see we are back! With the score tied at two each, it is time to start the next round. Harry, it is your turn. Since Ron and Dolores matched Harry in the last round, they don’t play. OK, here is the next question. Did you hear that Nymphodora Tonks is having Remus Lupin’s love child? Audience: NO! Albus: Yes, she is. Very shocking indeed. But there is good news. The doctors say that every full moon the baby will be able to blank. Music starts and the panel begins to write down answers. Gilderoy: Severus, have you tried my new line of hair care potions? It appears that you haven’t. I will owl you some samples directly. Snape (points wand at Lockhart): Avada… Albus: Severus! Snape: Sorry. Albus: OK, Harry. Did you hear that Nymphodora Tonks is having Remus Lupin’s love child? There is good news. The doctors say that every full moon the baby will be able to blank. Harry: Change itself? (Audience applauds loudly. Harry is hit in the chest by a pair of knickers) Ginny: Oh, Harry, you stud! Ron: Ginny! Put your knickers back on! Albus: Severus, what do you have? Snape: No real reason to live. Oh, you mean my answer: The half-breed shape-shifting spawn will be able to brew its freak of a father’s Wolfsbane Potion. That potion leaves a stench in the dungeons for a least a week after I brew it. And, what do I get in return? Nothing I… Albus (points wand at Snape): Silencio. Sibyll? Sibyll: I foresee great danger for that baby. Dark times, dark times. Harry: Big surprise there! Albus: Gilderoy? Gilderoy (smiles that Rembrandt smile and holds up card): Change itself! (Complete silence fills the studio.) Albus: Come again? Gilderoy (smile is now less like Rembrandt, more like Picasso): Change itself? Albus: Merlin’s beard. He is correct! OK, last. Hermione? Hermione (smugly): Change itself! Harry: Thanks, Hermione! Hermione (winks at Harry): Anytime, Harry. Ron: What do you mean, anytime Harry? Draco: Not that I want to see it or anything, but, damn Weasel, snog the Mudblood already so the rest of us can have some peace. Ron: Shut up you translucent larval spawn of a Death Eater!! Hermione: Not bad, Ron, not bad at all. Albus: OK Harry, you now have four matches. And now a word from one of our sponsors, Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. ------------------------------ ---------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- Albus: OK, this is our last question. Unless, of course, there is a tie. The tiebreaker is a Wizard’s Duel to the Death, so it would be best if there were a clear winner. This will save a lot of tedious paperwork, lawsuits, et cetera. Draco, you must match two more to tie or three to win. Since they have already matched an answer with you, Miss Granger and Severus can sit out this round. Here is your question: Did you know that there were originally 5 founders of Hogwarts? Audience: No! Albus: Yes, really, there were. There was a fifth house for lazy, cowardly, slovenly stupid students. The Head of House’s name was Moronicus Maximus, and their symbol was a blank. (Cue music. People write stuff on little cards with black Magic Markers, blah, blah, blah) Umbridge: Hem, hem. Ronald Weasley, what are you doing with that Magic Marker? Ron: Dunno, it just smells really good. Umbridge: But why are you sniffing it whilst it is in a paper bag? Ron (shifty-eyed): No reason. Say, nice cardigan! Albus: OK, Draco. There were originally 5 founders of Hogwarts. . There was a fifth house for lazy, cowardly, trusting, stupid students. The Head of House’s name was Moronicus Maximus, and their symbol was a blank. Draco: Headmaster, this isn’t fair. Potter got an easier question this round. Harry: Crybaby. Draco: Teacher’s pet Harry: Tom Riddle’s boy toy. Draco: No, Potter that was your girlfriend! Harry: At least I have a girlfriend. Draco: At least I have parents! Harry: I’ve met your parents. I’d rather be an orphan. Albus: Boys, boys! Draco, your answer please? Draco: The Head of House’s name was Moronicus Maximus, and their symbol was a slug. (Audience applauds politely, as there really wasn’t a brilliant answer for this question. Mind you, the question itself was brilliant. The author, by the way, apologizes for all of this. It is 1:17 in the morning and this is all she could come up with. She is now going to have a lie down and will continue this tomorrow.) (The author has now had said lie down, but, sad to say, can’t promise this is going to get any better. Hey, you get what you pay for!) Albus: Sibyll, do we even need to ask you? Sibyll (in a deep voice that is not her own): A slug. The one to vanquish the power of the Dark Lord is a slug…. The slug will be hatched as the seventh month dies. It will have power the Dark Lord knows not. Hermione: Like what? The power to climb up garden walls? Albus: Ok, that is 3 for Draco. Gilderoy? Lockhart: A Cornish pixie. Tricky little blighters. Albus: Why me? Hermione: Because Professor McGonagall had a previous engagement? Albus: True. Mr. Weasley, please take your head out of that paper bag and give us your answer. Ron (pulls head out of bag. He is bleary eyed and has black splotches of ink all over his face): Wait, what? Oh, yeah. (Fumbles with card) Puffskein. Hermione: That is a pretty good answer, especially from someone who is huffing fumes. You know, Ron that is very dangerous. You need to stop it immediately! Ron: I will. I was just, well, trying to get up the courage to... (Ron leans in and kisses Hermione) Audience: Awwww. Harry and Ginny: About time! Draco: I think I am going to be sick. Albus: Miss Granger, does he taste like Magic Markers? Well, back to the game. OK, Draco. If your answer matches Dolores’, then you will be tied with Harry and we will have a Wizard’s Duel to the Death. If your answer doesn’t match, you will get consolation prizes from each of the panel members. Ginny: So he either dies or gets crappy prizes. Works for me! Draco: Redheaded bimbo. Ginny: Bottle blond virgin. Albus: Dolores, please reveal your answer. Dolores: Hem, hem. The Head of House’s name was Moronicus Maximus, and their symbol was a flobberworm. Albus: Tough luck, Draco. (Points to Attorneys waiting backstage) As there won’t be a Wizard’s Duel to the death, your services are no longer required. Thank you. We will be right back to award Mr. Malfoy his consolation prizes and for Harry’s bonus round. Albus: We are back. Normally, our sponsors would provide us with parting gifts for the loser. However, due to pending litigation between Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes and last week’s loser Cho Chang, we have had to change our policy. And Miss Chang, on behalf of all of us here at Match Game, we wish you a speedy recovery. I just know that all of your hair will grow back eventually. Ginny: Thanks, Fred and George! Harry: Ginny, what do you mean? Ginny: Nothing. Albus: Severus, what do you have for Draco? Snape: (points to throat and glares at Dumbledore) Albus: (points wand at Snape): Finite Incantatem. Snape: Here is my parting gift, Draco. Weasley, 50 points from Gryffindor for huffing fumes. And Miss Granger, 10 points from Gryffindor for... well, just because Draco doesn’t like you. Draco: Thank you, sir! (Ron and Hermione are paying no attention as they are still snogging.) Albus: Sibyll, what do you have for Draco? Sibyll: Draco, come to my classroom tomorrow and I will predict your future. Draco: I never took Divination. That should be interesting. Harry: Bet she tells you you're dying young. Sibyll: No, Harry, you will be dying young. Honestly, after three years of Divination, one would think you would have picked something up. Albus: Gilderoy, what do you have for young Mr. Malfoy? Lockhart: A one-year contract to act as spokesperson and poster boy for my new line of hair care potions. Draco, my boy, you have fantastic hair! Albus: Miss Granger? Hermione (stops snogging Ron and tosses a book at Draco): It is Hogwarts: A History. Albus: Ron, what do you have? Ron: I thought we established that earlier in the game. I am a Weasley and I have nothing! Hermione: You have me, baby! Ron: Yes, but you aren’t getting anywhere near Draco! But, (Ron takes off his Weasley jumper and tosses it at Draco) here you go. Hermione (staring at Ron’s chest): Yum! Draco: You call this a jumper? Albus: Dolores? Umbridge: Hem, hem. I have a complete set of collectible kitten plates. Draco: Er, thanks? Umbridge: Hem, hem. I am not done. I also have a very special quill for you. We will talk after the show. Albus: Thanks for playing, Draco. (Harry steps to center stage with Dumbledore while Draco leaves.) Albus: Harry, normally we would have you choose a panel member to match an answer with, but we thought we would have a little fun today. (Actually, the author decided that she needed to throw a few more canon references in the story to leave no doubt in the reader’s mind that she has read the five Harry Potter books about 20+ times each. Yes, she is a bit mental, but, hey, you are still reading, right?) Harry: What do you mean fun? Albus: Well, you won’t be choosing the panel member and I won’t be asking the question. Mr. Filch, please bring out the casket. Harry: Headmaster, it isn’t the Goblet of Fire, is it? Albus: Why, yes it is. Harry: Sir, I really never want to see the Goblet of Fire again. Albus: Oh, you are still upset about that Triwizard thingy? Harry: It was almost the worst night of my life! Albus: Nonsense! You have had many more traumatic events. The Goblet of Fire isn’t even in the top five. Harry (mentally reliving the horrors in his life and counting on his fingers): I guess you do have a point there, sir. Albus (takes out the Goblet of Fire): OK, let us see, which panel member you will be matched up with. The Goblet tosses out a slip of parchment. Albus: Harry, you will have to match answers with Professor Snape. Snape (points his wand at himself): Avada... Hermione (points her wand at Snape): Expelliarmus! Albus: OK, and now for the question. Fawkes! (Fawkes comes in and drops the Sorting Hat into Dumbledore’s arms) Harry: Great. Just for the record, Headmaster, the Chamber of Secrets IS in my top five. Albus: Well, get right back up on the horse and all of that. Now, the Sorting Hat will give you a phrase with a blank. Severus will write his answer down and then we will see if you can match it. Sorting Hat: “The Boy Who blank” Severus (writes down answer and mutters to self): I hate that effing hat. Albus: Harry? Harry (blushing): Er, the boy who lived? Albus: Severus? Snape: The boy who lived. Was there any other possible answer? Ginny: Well, I can think of a few. Let’s see, The Boy who has the killer six-pack abs, the boy who has the tightest bum, the boy who has the longest… Albus: Thank you, Miss Weasley. Congratulations, Harry! You have won 500 Galleons! Please turn in next time when our contestants will be Stan Shunpike and Alastor “Mad Eye” Moody! Good night! |
| Reviews 40 |
|
