A/N: I have no business entering the Mary-Sue Challenge when real life is so busy, but the sirens call of a parody fic., with an emphasis on wand jokes, was too much for me to resist. I had to click on some sort of warning for the summary, but note that there are no mild sexual situations in this story. There is, however, a massive amount of sexual innuendo in this fic. If that offends you, please don't read. Thanks to TDU for looking this over for me and laughing in the right places.

Is That A Wand In Your Pocket?

On the first day of school Ginny Weasley eagerly filed into the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom with her fellow Seventh Years. Finally she was in the same year as Harry! After taking a seat next to her soul mate, she turned her head and frowned as she watched the rest of the class enter. It had suddenly occurred to her that she was also in the same year as Hermione and Ron and — inexplicably - Draco Malfoy and all of the Slytherins who had been in school last year. Was there an Eighth Year at Hogwarts? Ginny would have to ask Hermione who had resumed carrying her trusty Hogwarts, a History to every class now that beaded purses had been banned by Argus Filch.

"Ginny, may I sit next to you?" Luna asked. "Blaise Zabini wanted me to sit next to her — I mean - him. Although I'm not really sure." She hummed a few bars of an Aerosmith song and then shrugged her shoulders. "Anyway, Blaise Zabini, who I'm sure is quite nice, isn't painted on my ceiling and I'd rather sit with someone from my ceiling."

Ginny looked to Harry who was occupying the seat Luna wanted. Luckily, with their soul bond, they didn't have to say a word. "Sure, Luna. I'll just sit on Harry's lap."

Luna smiled in relief and Harry smiled in anticipation. When Ginny was settled on Harry's lap, she noticed something hard poking her from underneath. "Is that a wand in your pocket?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"No," Harry defended. "I wouldn't do that. Moody said to never carry your wand in your pocket."

"Shh," Hermione said, "The new professor's here."

"Hello, class." All heads turned to the front of the classroom. "I'm Professor Mary St. Margarets," said the surprisingly young-looking (yet wise and experienced) American witch. "I'm here to teach you Defense Against the Dark Arts and perhaps a little bit about life." The stunningly attractive brunette spoke in the no-nonsense manner of Professor McGonagall and had the kind eyes of Professor Lupin. Ginny knew she was going to like her. So did Harry — Ginny could tell because of their soul bond — and because the wand-that-wasn't-in-his pocket seemed stiffer than ever and was still digging into her hip.

Ginny wriggled uncomfortably.

Professor St. Margarets noticed their mutual discomfort. "Perhaps you'd like to engorge and lengthen the seat so you could sit next to one another?" the professor suggested. "If you continue like that you'll have to withdraw from your position prematurely."

Ginny wondered if all Americans talked so strangely or if it was just Professor St. Margarets.

Professor St. Margarets then drew her wand (A smooth, beautifully crafted instrument that also accepted Muggle batteries.) and Transfigured the hard, wooden school chair into a squishy, cushioned bench.

Pansy Parkinson raised her hand and spoke without permission. "I thought that when we got a female Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher her name was to be Icicle — this is the second time I've been disappointed."

Professor St. Margarets looked steadily at Pansy Parkinson. The class was hanging on to every word since the rumor about Professor Icicle teaching DADA had been circulating since Professor Moody was exposed as a Death Eater. "My name — Professor Mary St. Margarets - is on the door of this classroom. I'd say that is an anvil-sized hint that your Defense Against the Dark Arts instructor is not Professor Icicle."

"But I wanted a young Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher named Icicle," Pansy pouted. "I debated loads of people about the ideal Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher — I used Alchemy references and everything." Her face looked more pug then ever. "I'm going to ignore what it says in plain English since you don't fit into my plans for a harmonious Hogwarts."

"Ah. Then twenty Points from Slytherin for being deliberately obtuse." Professor St. Margarets said briskly, not bothering to address Pansy's delusions of harmony. "And speaking of plans that can't be ignored, I have an actual lesson plan for today and we need to get on with it."

"Why do you need a lesson plan?" Draco interrupted sourly. "Potter defeated the Dark Lord. What's the point of this class?"

Ginny glared at Draco. She wished she could insult him by asking if his leather trousers were too tight and cutting off the blood to his brain, but she didn't want to get in trouble with her new favorite teacher.

"The point of this class, Mr. Malfoy, is that this is Defense Against the Dark Arts. Not Defense Against the Dark Lord. Y'all have a lot left to learn to be fully trained witches and wizards." Ginny was captivated both by Professor St. Margarets' accent and how she knew Malfoy's name without being told. Harry was captivated, too— Ginny could tell from their soul bond and from the way he shifted his wand-that-wasn't-in-his-pocket.

Professor St. Margarets pronounced each term lovingly and with enthusiasm. Hermione was furiously taking notes, of course, but the entire class seemed enthralled by this new professor's vast knowledge of wands. Even the Slytherins were listening with rapt attention.

"So, enough with terminology. Everyone take out your wand - handle it carefully, now - two hands for the longer models — and put it on the desk in front of you."

There was the general rustle of clothing and squirming that came with wand exposure. Ginny looked over at Harry's wand fondly. It was beautiful wood — holly if she remembered correctly. It felt like ages since she had seen it — and even longer since she had touched it. Right now it didn't look like it could possibly be eleven and a half inches, but she knew from experience that the heat of magic would affect the entire impressive length until there was a forceful eruption of spells, hexes, and jinxes from its tip. She sighed happily. She would never tire of watching Harry master his wand.

From her soul bond she knew that Harry was uncomfortable. And no wonder. Blaise Zabini was staring hungrily at Harry's wand. Ginny wondered why. Maybe Zabini didn't have a wand? Why else would he — Ginny frowned — or she - be staring at Harry's wand? Ginny moved to block Zabini from Harry's wand. It wasn't the first time she had wand-blocked for Harry and it probably wouldn't be the last, she thought with a sigh. Everyone wanted to get his(or her) hands on Harry's 'magic stick' now that he had defeated Voldemort with it.

"Professor St. Margarets?" Luna asked in her soft voice.

Ginny tore her eyes away from Harry's wand to watch Luna raise her hand. Ginny felt a rush of affection for her friend as she noted what Luna was wearing. It gave Ginny a certain comfort to know that Luna would continue to wear the butterbeer cork necklace and the radish earrings from Fourth Year and her Spectrespecs from Fifth Year at all times. How else would the exchange students and the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher know that Luna was special?

"Professor," Luna repeated, trying to get Professor St. Margarets attention. Their new teacher obviously did not prescribe to the 'constant vigilance' philosophy of defense since she had her back to the class. Ginny threw a pair of Extendable Ears toward the front of the classroom and heard the conversation between Professor St. Margarets and Draco. Their new teacher was excusing Draco so he could go to the bathroom and have privacy whilst he extracted his wand from the tight leather trousers he wore. Ginny rolled her eyes. Professor St. Margarets would soon find out that Draco was always trying to skive off classes by going to the bathroom.

"His wand is probably so small, he can't find it in his pocket," Ginny whispered to Harry — even though she could have just soul bonded her snarky comment to him.

"Draco's wand isn't small," Harry said absently. "I've touched it."

Ginny turned to him in shock. ~You touched Draco's wand? When? Before we went out? When we were having a break last year? Harry, I can't believe you never told me!~ She screamed her anguish and jealousy through their soul bond.

Harry ran his hand through his hair in frustration. ~I thought you knew at the time it happened. I didn't think I would have to actually tell you about it. We are soul-bonded, you know.~

Ginny frowned. Maybe there was a glitch with the soul bond when Harry touched another wizard's wand. It was possible.

~What was I supposed to do, Gin?~ Harry was flushed with embarrassment. ~I had to grab his wand. It was war — we were in a tight situation.~

It was unfair of her, but Ginny couldn't stop herself. ~Don't call me Gin — or Virginia — or Gin- Gin - or Ginger — or Ginnykins - or Red — or Kitten — or Ginny-wren - or Cyril.~ She took a deep, metaphorical breath after that mental tirade. ~Especially when we're soul bonding.~

Harry's hand moved reflexively to cover his exposed wand, now looking limp and vulnerable under her hostile stare. ~Cyril?~

~I don't know what made me say that! ~ Ginny flung back at him wildly. ~I'd Bat-Bogey Hex you except that I don't want everyone in this class — and whoever is listening in on our soul bond — to know the incantation. And no one is ever going to know the incantation to the Bat- Bogey Hex — or my marks on the OWLs.~

~Okay,~ Harry said warily. Even without the soul bond Ginny would have known he didn't want to continue the argument.

"Yes, Miss Lovegood?" Professor St. Margarets was finally acknowledging Luna, who now had her tired arm propped up with her other hand.

"I've lost my wand," Luna said, shaking out her arm. "Or perhaps one of my roommates took it. If I put up a notice . . ."

Professor St. Margarets gaped at her. "Put up a notice? You need your wand now. You can't just wait around for it to show up."

Luna bowed her head, and Professor St. Margarets' soft heart was touched. "There, there." She patted Luna's shoulder. "We'll get your wand back. If it's in this room, we'll find it." She looked at Harry with a friendly glint in her couger-brown eyes. "Mr. Potter, I hear you do a mean Expelliarmus."

Ginny beamed with pride. That was Harry's signature spell. She couldn't wait to see the master of disarming in action once again.

Harry blushed modestly and stood up, his beautiful wand held loosely in one hand. To Ginny's eyes, it seemed to grow and glow with magic as he gripped the wood and concentrated. "Expelliarmus!" he said hoarsely. Through their soul bond Ginny could feel the tense clenching and then the awesome release of Harry's magic as he gasped out the spell.

Immediately, wands — some catching the torch light on their polished surfaces - flew toward Harry. It was a veritable golden shower of gleaming wands. What Harry couldn't catch with his quick Quidditch reflexes, he allowed to dribble through his hands and on to the floor. His hair was messier than ever, but his green eyes glowed with pride as all eyes were upon him.

"Bravo, Mr. Potter!" Professor St. Margarets said. "Twenty points for Gryffindor! Miss Lovegood, did Mr. Potter disarm someone of your wand?"

"Yes, here it is," Luna said, scrambling to the floor to retrieve her property. "It's not even scratched. The cherry wood is intact."

Ginny was happy that nothing had happened to the wand Luna wore so innocently behind her ear. Luna should be protected, she thought fiercely. ~You're my hero,~ Ginny proudly told Harry through their soul bond.

Harry blushed and attempted an air of nonchalance as he polished the traces of magic from his used wand. He would be required to do more magic before the hour was up and it was important his wand was ready. Maybe this time he would partner with her, Ginny thought with an anticipatory tingle.

"Who took Luna's wand?" Professor St. Maragrets asked, her keen brown eyes sweeping the classroom. "I am a skilled Legilimens, so don't bother to lie."

Ginny idly wondered if Professor St. Margarets could eavesdrop on their soul bond with Legilimency. That would be awkward.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Then Blaise Zabini stood up. "I did it, Professor. I — I — I've always admired how Lovegood could accessorize with her wand behind her ear — and I wanted to try it. I took her wand because I liked how it balanced at an angle between the proverbial x axis and the y."

"I see." Professor St. Margarets tapped her lush bottom lip with her finger and regarded Blaise thoughtfully. "In this case, I don't think I'll take points from Slytherin or give you a punishment."

"No punishment?" Blaise asked in surprise.

"We're going to use this as a learning opportunity."

Professor St. Margarets sounded just like Professor Dumbledore before he was going to say something profound. Ginny wondered if Albus St. Margarets was a good name for a boy.

Harry nudged her through the soul bond and gave an emphatic 'no.'

"I think the lesson to be learned today is to be yourself," Professor St. Margarets said slowly (and with deep emotion so that her accent became as annoyingly pronounced as Hagrid's). "Y'all are wearing uniforms and y'all 've been labeled since age eleven by your house characteristics, but deep down I know that each one of you is unique and special. To use Blaise's analogy, y'all are lines on the graph of life, somewhere in the spectrum between x and y."

"Great," Ginny heard Ron mutter, "I'm unique - like everyone else."

"Ron!" Hermione hissed, even though there was no 's' sound in 'Ron.'

Professor St. Margarets ignored Ron. "So, Blaise, my lesson to you is to be yourself — whatever that is — however close to x or y you may fall."

Blaise nodded solemnly.

At that moment, Draco hurried into the room, his wand at his side, his leather trousers looking freshly buffed. "What did I miss?" he asked Pansy in a loud whisper.

"Blaise is unique."

"I knew that."

"Now, back to the lesson plan," Professor St. Margarets said. "Wands. A show of hands. How many polish your wands nightly?"

All the boys raised their hands.

"Oh, dear," Professor St. Margarets said, shaking her head. "Witches, you are going to have to learn about proper wand care."

Through their soul bond Ginny felt Harry's happiness at this announcement. It was going to be a great seventh year at Hogwarts — for both of them.

A/N: For Future Readers:

I haven't lost my mind. This is a challenge fic that had to meet the following conditions:

1. Pick a title.

I picked: Is That A Wand In Your Pocket? (Bonus points for massive innuendo while retaining a rating no higher than PG.)

2.Include at least three of the following fanfic clichés:

* indicates which I tried to include

* a. Author insertion (Bonus points for writing Sovran into it as well.)

b. Implausible parentage (Bonus points for including the phrase "Harry... I am your father.")

c. Suddenly fix Harry's eyes

d. Make the two leads Head Boy and Girl and stash them in a shared Head Student dorm

* e. Ginny skipped ahead a year

* f. Harry/Ginny bonded (Bonus points for creative typographical conventions for "thinkspeak".)

g. An OFC (Original Female Character) scoring 40 or more on the Mary-Sue Litmus Test

h. A MAHOOOSIVE inheritance for Harry, including at least two major global landmarks... and Potter Manor

* i. Recurring confusion within the story as to the gender of Blaise Zabini (Bonus points for making it "none".)

*j. Multiple variations of Ginny's real name, at least one of which should be "Cyril"

3. Include at least one of the following clichéd archetypes:

a. Super! Harry

b. Elemental! Ginny

c. Dark! Ron

d. Makeover! Hermione

*e. Leather Trousers! Draco (Bonus points for bringing him down to earth with a thud. Automatic loss for any story mentioning the word "ferret".)

4. Break at least three rules from the Evil Overlord list (or one of its spinoffs); list which rules at the end. Alternatively,

*5. Find at least three fanfic clichés of your own and use them in the story; in each case, have a character remark upon them with some variation of "Oh god, not another..."

I played with the following clichéd ideas:

Luna's wardrobe

Hawt, young Professor Icicle as the DADA instructor — this was a fan fic. cliché after GoF and before OotP came out because JKR said in an interview that the DADA instructor in book five would be female. Later on JKR debunked the Icicle rumor and reminded her fans not to believe everything they read on the Internet. Still good advice!

Hermione with Hogwarts, a History

Ginny and her first-response Bat-Bogey Hex

Lots of other little things — the overuse of 'constant vigilance,' Extendable Ears, quick Quidditch reflexes, references to Muggle songs, and poor Pansy's pug nose. I wanted to include intrusive author notes(A/N: Dude Looks Like a Lady — LOL) and I-suck-at-summaries, but I couldn't bring myself to be that bad.

I will, however, indulge in a heavily punctuated Please read and review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!